


Deacury (It Was Not My Lips You Kissed, But My Soul)

by GoodbyeAndromeda9



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1970s Era Queen (Band), 1980s Era Queen (Band), Early Queen (Band), M/M, Queen band - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:21:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 32,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27486454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodbyeAndromeda9/pseuds/GoodbyeAndromeda9
Summary: It's a long. long road. John Deacon's fictional journey through life from childhood to the future.
Relationships: John Deacon & Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 12
Kudos: 26





	1. INTRODUCTION

Authors Notes:  
THIS WORK IS 99.9% FICTION AND THINGS I MADE UP BY PIECING TOGETHER INTERVIEWS, STORIES AND ACTUAL PLACES FROM BIOGRAPHIES. I ALSO COMBED THRU PHOTOS AND VIDEO, AND SCOURING BOTH JOHN AND FRED'S LYRICS TO WEAVE MY STORY. THE ONLY THINGS IN THIS FAN FICTION THAT ARE TRUE, ARE THE THINGS THAT ARE ALREADY PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE. THE REST IS COMPLETELY FABRICATED. I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF JOHN AND FREDDIE'S PRIVATE REALATIONSHIP, IF IT WAS PLATONIC OR NOT, NOR DO I HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF JOHN'S STATE OF MIND THROUGHOUT HIS TIME WITH THE BAND OR HIS CHILDHOOD. I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE QUOTE FAN FICTION, AND THEN IT ENDS UP MAKING PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT IS QUOTED IS TRUE. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN HERE. THANKS. ALSO, I AM NOT JOHN DEACON. 

WE BEGIN, WITH A DREAM.....

A warm tropical breeze floats through the room. Outside the palm trees sway in the wind off the ocean, as crystal blue water laps at a pristine sandy shore. I turn over in my bed and look out at the balcony. A figure stands in the sun and I recognize the silhouette. I move outside towards the person standing there: "Freddie?" I ask. My friend has been dead for nearly 30 years and perhaps I should be shocked, or frightened, but I'm not. He turns to look at me....

It is Freddie. He has been restored to health and his features are youthful. His brown eyes still twinkle with merriment and sweetness. There is a bright glow around him, as if he IS the sunshine, and he smiles. He is radiant. He smiles at me with the same toothy grin I remember so well, biting his lower lip. He doesn't say a word, but holds out his arms for an embrace. I cannot resist the call, and I wrap my arms around him, and he does the same. I am surrounded by warmth and love and the most beautiful feeling of peace that I have ever known.  
Freddie is happy. Happy in his new home, and happy to see me. I know because I can feel it emanating from him. I want him to stay with me, or let me go with him to wherever he came from. I know I can't. Not just yet, but someday. I know he'll be there waiting for me.  
He gives me a wink and he is gone.


	2. Small Town to Big City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's POV on life in Leicester to his first rehearsal with Queen

CHAPTER ONE

JOHN'S POV

I was always a quiet boy; trying to never call attention to myself. I always felt out of place, really. Because of my terrible shyness, it was difficult to have normal relationships, even with my friends.

“Easy Deacon” my mates called me. I usually found most things easy to do, or at least, I thought I could do them with a little practice. I was usually low key about stuff; easy going, I didn’t rock the boat much, but I had my opinions and didn’t mind expressing them when I felt it mattered but, I took life as it came.

Girls. That was another matter. There were several I found awfully cute to look at, a few I had crushes on, but I could never get the courage to talk to them. When they'd talk to me, I never knew what to say, so they'd turn to the more outgoing boys; and I was left alone.

I was happiest hanging out with my dad. We would go fishing, Trainspotting, and we both had a fascination with electronic things. We would get books on the subject, and then tinker around with the projects, completing them together. Sadly, he died when I was ten and it devastated me. I cried for weeks on end. I felt so all alone in the world.

No close friends. No girls. No dad. It was a lonely life for a shy teenage boy.

In my teens, I had taken up playing in a few local bands. I was on guitar until I switched with our bass player, who wasn’t very good. It was a hobby, but my studies came first as my mum was not about to let my music playing interfere my schoolwork. I didn’t mind though. I enjoyed school and passed my exams with ease. I wished it was that easy to socialize though.

Once I moved to London for university, I loosened up a bit. I shared a flat with a few of my mates from school and I got a taste of real freedom. I let my hair grow long, attended parties and dances, and started dressing more in the trendy styles of the day, but I never let any of it distract me from my studies, however. 

But two years in; I missed playing in a band, so my mum brought my gear down, and I kept my eyes and ears open for bands looking for bass (or guitar) players, and I went to a few auditions, but nothing ever panned out. Until one night...

A friend introduced me to two musicians she knew who were in a band called Queen, and she said they were searching for a bass player. I had sort of remembered this band from a few months back, but I wasn’t impressed, mostly because I couldn’t even seen them it was so dark. We chatted for a bit and they told me they had been through several bass players already, but no one had been a good fit for them. I told them I would like to give it a try, so they invited me down for an audition and I agreed.

Two days later, I showed up at the lecture hall. Brian was tuning his guitar, and Roger was warming up on his drums. I could hear him all the way outside and down the street, so I just followed the noise.

Brian was was soft-spoken and serious. Tall, with a head of dark brown wavy hair . Roger was just the opposite. Blonde, with heavy lidded blue eyes and long eyelashes, he was outgoing and full of energy.

I entered the hall and greeted them both.

“This must be John” a voice behind me said

I turned to see Freddie for the first time. He had an exotic look, with a mane of dark hair and a thin build, dressed in a t-shirt and white pants. He held his hand out to greet me. As I met him face to face, I noticed an overbite that peaked out over his lower lip, which he attempted to hide. But the thing that will always stand out in my mind about my first meeting with him were his warm, gentle brown eyes. 

“Hello. I’m Freddie”

“I'm John. Nice to meet you,” I nodded.

We shook hands, and he held my hand just a little longer than was normal, and smiled.

“Brian and Roger gave me the rundown on how you all met. You’ve played in a few bands before, I understand”

“Yes. Mostly back home with my friends and just a little here at college. I’ve been to a few auditions, but nothing, um clicked, you know?”  
He smiled and nodded.

“Well, you seem more low key than our other bass players" Freddie smiled and looked over to Roger and Brian.

I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

“You should have seen the last one” Freddie told me. “Nice fellow, but he just thrashed about. Jumping around. Boing! Boing!. Just.... ENDless“, he said, laughing, rolling his eyes and throwing his hand out theatrically. 

I laughed.

“He was just being exuberant or whatever” came Roger’s gravelly excuse, twirling a stick.

“He was just really getting on my tits, is what he was doing,” Freddie said dusting off some lint from the front of his shirt “Had to let him go”

“You don’t jump around, do you dear?” he asked.  
I shook my head. “No. I’m uh.... not that exciting, really”

“You're probably more exciting than you think. He doesn't jump around and that’s enough for me. I think we’ve found our new bass player!” he said with a wink and a smile, strolling away. 

“Brian? You’re up!” he called out.

Freddie turned over the floor to Brian, I got my bass set up and learned my first song with Queen.

Brian showed me the chords and eventually, Brian, Roger and I ran through the song without vocals. Once we felt I had it, Freddie joined in. I tried concentrating on the song I had just learned, but as we played, my eyes would wander to Freddie. He was one of those people that you just could not take your eyes off of. I could already tell that he was born to be a star. 

“Well, that sounded pretty damn good. Aaaand, there was no distracting.....”exuberance” coming from this area." Freddie motioned to where I was with a laugh, directing his words to Brian and Roger. “How about that? I could fucking concentrate for once”

They all chimed in, explaining a bit about what sound they were going for, but eventually the conversation turned to giving me the lowdown on each other.

“Just so you know, John; Brian here likes to do these really long guitar solos, so you’ll have time to take a nap or something,” Roger said over his drum kit. He let out a laugh.

“And Roger likes us to haul in his drum kit at gigs, rain or shine, while he stays inside putting it together,” Brian told me. 

Roger gave a drum roll and a cymbal tap. 

“I’m just warning the poor guy ahead of time. He might have errands to run during a gig. During one of your solos would be the perfect time for that,” Roger said, pointing a drumstick at me and winking.

Brian looked at me. “Don’t let him coerce you into carrying in his bass drum is all I’m saying”

“Who else is going to put my kit together? You?”

“It can’t be that difficult, Rog. You’re able to do it”

“Hilarious. ”

I looked over at Freddie

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Freddie jokingly said, rolling his eyes at me as they went on

I was listening to the exchange, but I had no reason to jump in, I wasn’t even in the band yet. I couldn’t do anything but watch and listen. They seemed like brothers. Teasing. Insulting. But all of it done tongue in cheek. They were very amusing.

“Stop! STOP!” I heard Freddie say, waving his arms. “You’re going to scare John away before the poor thing finishes his audition. He probably thinks we’re all completely fucking mad already”

“Sorry! Just having a bit of fun!” came Rogers reply “We like to joke around”

“You’re so quiet, darling. Everything ok?” Freddie asked with a bit of concern 

“Oh yes. I’m usually pretty quiet. “I said, playing with my hair. “Just.. a bit shy, really” I could feel a blush coming to my face. 

“That’s ok. Not to worry. These two will definitely bring you out of your shell" Freddie said with a head jerk back towards the other two. “I was sweet and innocent before I met them and fucking look at me now” rolling his eyes at the thought. I was enjoying this ready-made camaraderie. Like brothers I never had. 

We ended the session with a blues jam. I felt good about this audition. We jelled musically, and I felt like I belonged there. I said my goodbyes to Brian and Roger, and Freddie saw me out 

“Perhaps I’ll see you soon” he said quietly, leaning against the door frame with a shy smile. 

I smiled and looked away. He had such lovely eyes; it was difficult to keep looking at them. His steady gaze and attentiveness made me nervous and, weirdly happy.  
“I'd like that. Goodbye, Freddie. And if not, it was nice to meet you”

“The pleasure was all mine, dear.”

As I made it to the end of the hall, I stopped to take one last shy peek at him. He was still looking at me, and he smiled.


	3. You Make Me Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's thoughts about Brian, Roger and Freddie

It wasn’t long before I heard back from Brian. They liked me and the way I picked up the songs so fast (and the fact that I had experience with electronics) and I was offered the job which I happily accepted. For me, it was a hobby; something to do when I wasn’t in school, or on the weekends for fun and maybe a little extra cash if we got any gigs. We would get together fairly often to practice, and we sounded better all the time but I didn't think we’d actually get anywhere. It was a longshot; and besides, I was still finishing school and preparing for a completely different career.

Things were going well with my life. I had just gained three new friends and was seeing a girl I met at a dance. She was pretty and sweet, and I enjoyed her company. 

I was doing well in school and having fun at night. I was learning more about my new bandmates and finding out what we had in common: Brian and I both played guitar, and we had both built something we used - his guitar and my amp. Being a guitarist myself, I could pick up the songs quickly from Brian and put my own little spin on the bass parts. 

Roger and I were both closer in age and discovered that we both had an interest in cars and gadgets of all sorts. He was the outgoing one, liked to laugh and have a good time. He brought out a more extroverted side of me I didn’t realize I had and we became fast friends. Still, he was socially more adept than me and he attracted everyone; the girls to his looks, the guys to his fun loving, partying ways. He was never short on friends or invitations, and I longed to be like that. 

But the person I seemed to be drawn to the most was Freddie. 

Freddie.....

He was the oldest and seemed, at least to my young eyes, sophisticated. He had a kind and sweet disposition and was very friendly, but like me he was shy and reserved if he didn’t know you well. He was easy to talk to, and I found it difficult to stay away from him. He had a magnetism that was hard to resist. 

In friendly company, Freddie was affable, and witty remarks tumbled out of him with ease. He gestured with camp mannerisms which made everything he said funnier. At first I wasn’t sure if it was all a put on or not. Some play acting for fun, but it never let up; he was like that all the time. He called everyone “darling” or “dear”, occasionally throwing in a “honey” for good measure. 

Freddie seemed to want to get to know me, and I was fascinated by him, so I let him in a little closer than I would most people. When we had conversations, he spoke quietly and had a delicate shyness that I found charming.

I felt like I might have finally found a genuine friend, someone who understood me like my dad did. He kept me laughing, and it helped me to relax and open up a little more. 

I basked in the warm glow of his attentions. He made me feel like I mattered, like I was finally seen and heard and really, I had never met anyone like him. Back home, everyone was pretty typical, boring even. Maybe there was the resident eccentric, but there was no one quite like Freddie.

At times, it felt like I had known him my entire life; many lives, perhaps. Being around him felt natural. We both knew what it was like to be a bit different from everyone else and never really having that one friend who we felt safe with, but somehow we had found each other; as if fate had brought us together.

He was a naturally affectionate person. Fred loved people; loved touching them, holding them. I had seen him cuddle up to friends; men and women alike and I felt a bit envious, but he gradually got around to me too. The first time he put an arm around my shoulder, it was comforting; like a warm blanket or the feel of sunshine on your face. Never having a close friend growing up, I longed for the feeling of companionship that I saw others share, and Freddie seemed to instinctively know what was missing from my life. 

He made me forget my loneliness. I was happier, and I felt free around him; like I was a brand new person. I laughed more, smiled more. The light in me seemed to have been snuffed out after my dad’s death, and I had gone cold; but Freddie had re-ignited it and suddenly, I was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. I was enjoying life probably for the first time, and having a great deal of fun, really. 

As for his "look", well Freddie was an eyeball magnet and was impossible to ignore. Sometimes on stage, I would watch him from the corner of my eye. Even from those very early days, Fred was effervescent and compelling in front of an audience and a beautiful thing to watch. I gave in now and then; watching him, but trying not to be obvious about it.

He was a sight to behold, and for the next twenty years, I would have a front-row seat.


	4. Couldn't Sleep at Night 'Til You Were Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanging out at Freddie's place.

We had all grown close since we first met, and the four of us spent an entire evening at Freddie's flat. His girlfriend, Mary, had gone on holiday with family so we had the place to ourselves. Fred pulled out some of his albums and put them on the stereo, and we talked about our gigs and the music, drank, played Scrabble (a game which would become a staple in our lives) and planned our future together as a rock band. We were going to be great according to Fred, he had no doubts, and we joined in his enthusiasm.

Fred and Mary’s flat was decked out in a garish, gypsy-like fashion. An odd assortment of nick nacks, lamps, antique furniture, pillows that didn’t match, colorful rugs and an upright piano. Flowers, feathers and fringe. It mirrored Freddie perfectly: Colorful. Whimsical. Old-fashioned. Exotic. We all lounged lazily amongst the variety of pillows tossed haphazardly on the floor or on the mismatched couches and chairs, drinking, talking and laughing.

It started to get late

Brian and Roger called it a night. Roger was leaving because there was a girl (or two) waiting for him somewhere, and Brian had a little part-time gig teaching and had a class in the morning. 

It was just Freddie and I then. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, but I really wasn’t ready to leave either. By now, I was quite attached to Freddie, but we had never really had a lot of time together alone. We had become good friends though, and we enjoyed each other’s company. He didn’t seem to be eager for me to leave, and flopped back down onto the couch; sprawling out theatrically once he had seen Brian to the door. He looked up at me.

“Ugh! I thought they’d never leave,” he said.

I laughed. “I should get going too. It’s late” 

He sat up.

“No, no. Stay for just a bit longer, please?” he said with a pout. He patted the cushion next to him, “C’mon. Sit down. We never get a chance to hang out alone, you and I”

I was happy that he wanted me to stay. I was usually the forgotten one at get-togethers. Spending most of my time examining the wallpaper.

“Um. Alright”

Everything we spoke about until this moment was lighthearted, but now, finally alone (and a teeny bit drunk) we opened up about our personal lives. I told him about growing up back home, about my dad’s passing. Things I hadn’t discussed with anyone, ever.

“I still miss him” 

I felt fingers play with my hair, and I looked over at him. There was sadness there in his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry. That had to be hard on you. Little boys need their fathers.”

There was something about Freddie. Something that made me feel connected to him. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but the feeling was mutual; I could tell. For all his bravado on stage, in private he was gentle and sweet. It wasn’t put on; it was who he really was. 

His heart seemed big enough to love the entire world.

He told me of his life in Zanzibar, how he was sent to boarding school in India when he was only eight years old, and how he stayed there for ten years, seeing his mum, dad and sister only for a month every year. He said for a long time, he cried himself to sleep at night. It still bothered him as he felt an underlying sense of abandonment. Tears had come to his eyes, but he seemed to force them not to fall. Leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling.

“Anyway...” he said with a wave of his hand, clearing his throat. “It was a long time ago. A different life.”

We had both been separated from our fathers. Two boys, thousands of miles apart, both torn away from family, only in different ways. 

“We both have brand new lives now,” he said with a smile

As our chat went on, I leaned back on the sofa, my head propped up on my hand, listening to Fred’s wild plans for success and fame. He drew his legs up and faced me, mirroring my position, chattering away. He told some funny stories about Brian and Roger, and the customers at the stall he and Roger ran. Convulsed in laughter over some story, we kept on until our stomachs hurt. He really had a wonderful sense of humor. The laugh lines around my eyes would be put there mostly by Freddie.

Our laughter dying out and our wheezing coming to an end; we became quiet for a few moments, then... 

“John, would you mind staying here tonight? Mary’s gone, and I don’t like being alone” he said quietly, toying with some loose stitching on the couch. He looked over at me, waiting for my answer. He honestly looked a bit worried that I would say no, but I didn’t really want to leave, and told him I would stay. My flat mates wouldn’t miss me anyway, I shrugged. 

He smiled, “Thank you” he said, looking a bit relieved. He really seemed afraid of being left alone. I assumed it had to do with him being parted from his family at such a young age.

He sighed. Tossing his head back on the sofa.

“I sound like a big baby, don’t I? Afraid of being alone”. 

“It’s ok. I feel alone a lot of the time as well. We have each other though, ” I heard myself say.

“We do. Don’t we? “ He smiled.

We looked at each other for a few moments. There seemed to be something....

I looked away, not knowing what else to say. Perhaps sensing my nervousness, he piped up cheerfully, patting my knee.

“You know; I love talking with you. We seem to have the same sense of humor, and you’re very sweet to listen to me go on and on. I’m such a chatterbox sometimes I never know when to shut up, like now.” he said, making a face and shaking his head.

“It’s fine. You’re a great storyteller. I’m more of a listener than a talker. You can tell me anything, really. Even your darkest secrets, if you like. I promise I won’t tell”. 

“Oh, well, I have quite a few of those, but I’ll keep them to myself right now. Don’t want you to fucking run off in terror” he said with a fling of his arm.

We both laughed.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere” I added.

He seemed happy to hear that, and he reached over and gave my chin a little squeeze. It seemed he was testing the water to see if it was ok with me if he made contact. I didn’t flinch. 

“I hope not, because I like you”. 

“I like you too” 

We both looked away shyly, and I let out a nervous laugh.

Finally he said: “Thank you for being so nice to me. I really appreciate it, you have no idea”

“Why wouldn’t I be nice?” I was confused.

“Oh..” he sighed. “I’ve been hassled a lot because I’m so...” he lowered his eyes and shook his head. I knew what he was saying.

I gave him a little nudge, and he looked up at me.

“I like you just as you are. I’d never hassle you about anything. Ever.”

There were those eyes again. Sweet and sad, but hopeful.

He moved and leaned his head on my shoulder, and I rested my head on his. 

“Thank you. I don’t know why, John; but I feel safe with you around. You put me at ease” he said as he picked lint off of my sleeve.

“I feel the same. I’m not great around people, but you make it easier for me” 

He lifted his head to look at me and smiled, and we gazed at each other for a few moments. Our faces inches from each other, searching each others’ eyes. 

Freddie bit his lower lip and my chin dropped shyly to my chest. We had shared a sweet moment and when I didn’t pull away; he laid his head back on my shoulder. It was nice to have this kind of connection.

He played with the sleeve of my shirt, his leg pressed against mine. I reached over and ran a finger over his bracelet, toying with it and letting my other fingers gently brush the back of his hand. Touch seeming to be something that not only he craved, but I did as well. 

We talked a little more, but as the night turned into early morning, we started to yawn.

“Let me go turn off these lights before I get too lazy to get up” he said

“Can I get you anything? He called to me from somewhere in the flat.

“No. I’m fine. Thank you” I called out. 

Everything was turned off, the only thing illuminating the darkness was a small lamp with a dull glow. He came back, blankets and pillows in hand, and sat down next to me. 

“Thank you again for staying,” he said quietly “I’ve enjoyed tonight”

“Me too” I said, nodding.

He gave me a pillow and blanket, and got up and began to make himself comfortable on the floor beside the couch.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to sleep down here. The bed’s too far away. I get a little anxious if I’m not near someone while I sleep. Sounds stupid, I know, but....” he shrugged his shoulders.

“Why don’t you just sleep up here? There’s room” 

What the hell was I saying?

“Oh, I don’t know” he shook his head. 

“I don’t bite” 

“Oh dear, not even a little bit? That’s disappointing to hear”

I snorted and giggled at the suggestion. 

“Your choice, Fred. Front or back?” I asked, giving him the opportunity to pick his location. Not realizing the innuendo I had just made.

Freddie threw his head back and let out a laugh. Stamping a foot on the floor.

“Pfffft! Stop it Fred!” I tried containing my laughter, holding my hands against my face

“This is all YOU, darling. Not me” 

“Do you want to sleep on the edge or towards the back is what I was TRYING to ask” I said trying to stop my laughter. 

He considered it for a moment. 

“I’ll take the front. I might have to get up in the middle of the night to take a piss or something” 

He hesitated. “Are you sure you’re ok with this?” he asked. A bit concerned.

“I’m fine, Fred. C’mon” I moved back, so he had room.

“I’m not sure we’re both going to fit. Maybe I should just...” he started to move away.

I gently took his arm and stopped him. He was a lot of work, Freddie was.

“Alright. But don’t get fresh. I’m simply NOT that kind of a girl,” he admonished me, in his camp, joking way.

“That’s not what I heard” I said; clearing my throat, fluffing my pillow and trying not to laugh. I knew I could play along without him getting mad at me.

He pretended to be shocked, and I had to deflect a throw pillow coming at me. Laughing again; I wrestled it out of his hand and pulled him down next to me. Our laughter dying out.

FINALLY, he settled down, lying on his back. Staring at the ceiling, then at me. It was an unusual feeling, having slept by myself my whole life, to have someone beside me. It was comforting. I threw the blanket over him and left my hand there across his torso.

“Don’t want you to fall” I said quietly, looking at him in the faint light.

“Oh, I probably already have” he said

I felt my throat catch. 

“John....? Do you think we.... Oh, never mind,” he said as he examined his fingernails

“Do I think we, what?”

He waved me off. “It’s nothing. Just something silly I was thinking. Goodnight John. And thank you for staying”

“You’re welcome. Goodnight Freddie”

It would be the first time that we would find comfort in each other’s touch and close proximity. Over the years, we would use it frequently. It would calm us, give us strength (and we would need all the strength we could muster in the coming decade) and it would convey silent messages to each other. It was just the first of many things between us that would create an unbreakable bond.

I didn’t really sleep much that night. Instead, my mind was on Freddie and the evening we had spent laughing, sharing our private lives and growing closer. He eventually turned during the night to face me, his forearm resting against my chest. I listened to him breathe quietly and watched his eyelids flutter as he slept. I gently moved a lock of hair out of his face. How could one human be so beautiful?

I felt an overwhelming urge to protect him. To let him know that I would be on his side no matter what. Some empty space in me desperately needed this contact, this closeness as much as he did. I felt like I could get lost in those warm brown eyes. To walk in; and stay there forever. Feelings were beginning to stir in me I hadn’t expected. 

From that night on, Freddie and I became each other’s confidants. I would tell him things I wouldn’t dare tell the others. Things that made me anxious, that worried me about the future. Troubling thoughts. Freddie always seemed to know what to tell me, or how to handle the situation, and I knew I could trust him. We told each other personal things, secrets that neither of us would ever utter to another living soul. We would take those secrets with us to our graves. 

Freddie had openly displayed his affection to others in public, and as time had passed, he became more affectionate with me too, all in plain sight of everyone. It was seen as good natured kidding around. It was fun and flattering while it happened, but at night in my room, I had a difficult time sleeping. My thoughts were on Freddie, and whatever it was I was beginning to feel for him in my heart.


	5. A Token Of Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS IS FICTION.  
> MADE UP BY MY BORED, IMAGINATIVE MIND DURING THOSE LOCK DOWN DAYS OF EARLY SPRING 2020  
> THANKS

Queen was on the rise.

We did interviews, appeared in magazines and did photo shoots. Life was good. I was happy, and looking back, it showed on my face. I was traveling a bit, spending lots of time with my bandmates, and seeing the sights. Freddie and I went for strolls all over the place. We’d go window shopping, and in the evenings, all four of us would gather in one of our rooms to share stories of the day. We were young and free. 

Life was just about perfect. 

Freddie and I didn’t have a lot of quiet time together on our trips. Shuffled along by management and tour guides, our days spent with photographers and interviewers and our nights either onstage, or separated by different roommates (Freddie bunked with Brian, and I with Roger) But when we were together, we were playful and teasing. We found humor in our flirtations. A brief touch here, legs pressed together under the table. Not only did I love the attention he showered on me, but being near him brought out a new side of me. It was as if I could absorb his passion for life. It was intoxicating and addictive like a drug, and I couldn’t get enough of it. 

Safely back at home in England, we did some local tours, and the crowds were getting bigger. Freddie loved the spotlight. He could be anything up there on stage, and could manipulate the crowd with little effort. They used to say he had them eating out of the palm of his hand, and he did. He came alive in front of them, and they were transfixed. I too, loved watching him. He was someone completely different up there on stage. Someone I didn’t know, but wanted to. He strutted sexily, fiery and explosive, commanding the stage. I almost wanted that fantastical creature for myself.

One evening at a friend’s party, weary of the crowded rooms and incessant chit chat; we took a walk and wandered to a secluded spot in the yard. The sun was just starting to set. I found it the perfect time to give Fred a present. I reached into my pocket and as a token of our friendship-and my affection for him-I presented him with a silver ring in the shape of two wings that wrapped around the finger. Like the ones on the feet of Mercury-the messenger of the gods himself, I explained. I had found it at a stall much like his and Rogers in Kensington, and it reminded me of him. I had used some money I made at a gig to purchase it. He slipped it on his right ring finger and looked at it admiringly. 

“Oh, it’s lovely, John." He seemed touched by the gesture

He looked at me with gratitude. A piece of my soul had fallen into those big brown orbs, never to return. One hand cradled my face, and I watched as he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek.

Stepping close to me, he whispered: “Thank you. You’re so sweet to think of me” I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face. 

A delightful surprise.

Feeling a bit nervous; I stared at the ground.

“You’re welcome” I said quietly

I had no idea what to do, and I froze for a moment. Freddie started to move away, perhaps thinking he had caused my apprehension. He hadn’t, of course. I enjoyed it immensely and wanted more, but I felt he was slipping away and I would never get this moment back. I didn’t want to lose it, so I put a hand on his hip to keep him where he was.

I looked around, then at him.

His fingers gently touched my cheek, and a hand moved up my arm. I closed my eyes. I let my hands slip around his back, pulling him next to me. Suddenly, I didn’t want to ever let him go. His caresses nearly broke my heart. It felt wonderful. I didn’t know why, but I needed his touch; the closeness, the gentleness he showed me. The feelings for him that had been stirring inside me for a long time began to wash over me. 

I opened my eyes, and we looked at each other for a moment. Two lonesome souls who had found each other.

We slowly moved in toward each other, hesitant. A gentle kiss. The sensation was unlike anything I had ever felt in my life. My heart fluttered, and I staggered ever so slightly. I closed my eyes and surrendered to his soft, gentle lips. Much like Freddie himself; warm and inviting. I kissed him back.

I’ll admit, there were times prior to this that I wondered what it was I was beginning to feel. I had a girlfriend, and I loved going out with her, and Freddie adored Mary. So what was happening here? Was I attracted to him because of all the attention he gave me? Was it my lack of experience, and that he was the first person to who made me feel this way? Was I just experimenting? Was I....?

Or was it something else? Something far deeper than any physical experience could ever be.

The kiss ended nearly as quickly as it had begun. 

With a bashful smile, he pulled away from my embrace. I already missed the feel of his body against mine. The touch of his lips. I was confused. Had I done something wrong? 

“We shouldn’t do this here. We need somewhere with a little more... privacy” he said, looking around. We were vulnerable out there in the open.

I was disappointed, but I knew he was right and I nodded. This wasn’t the right time or place to carry on like we were. We could have very well been spotted. A career killer for sure.

“Thank you again, darling...for everything” he said, running the hand that now held my ring along my jawline and down my chest. Stopping momentarily to play with a button.  
“Time to go back to the party. We’ll finish this properly some other time. Hmm?” he winked. 

I smiled, hoping that would be true. 

I stood there alone for a few moments, considering everything that had just happened. Letting my heart return to a normal pace. 

I missed him already, and still felt his lips on mine. But there would be many more of these secret rendezvous ahead. For nearly two decades, we would hide it from prying eyes; somehow managing to escape detection from girlfriends, wives, roadies, management, fans and the world. But it would be a bittersweet relationship. We just didn't know it yet.


	6. Just You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things move to the next stage

When we finally had some free time, I invited him over to my tiny flat one day. I had moved into my own space for the peace and quiet. The bell rang, and I took a deep breath before opening the door. 

“Hello Freddie” I was happy to see him.

“Hello” he said shyly. 

I invited him in. “Brought you something! A little housewarming gift” 

A bottle of wine, half gone. I laughed. “It’s perfect”

“This is a cute little flat you have here. Very cozy,” he said looking around.

“Thank you. It’s not much, but it’s my escape from the world I guess”

“Can I get you something? Tea? Coffee? Some...wine?” I joked.

He shook his head. “No dear. I had a little wine before I came over “he said pointing at the bottle

“A little?!” Holding the bottle up to the light, giving it a shake. He shrugged and I laughed, and it seemed to put us both at ease. 

We chatted about the band and up coming gigs for a few minutes and as that waned; he looked around.

“Well, let’s see if I can...uh... get to know you a bit better,” he said, clapping his hands together and raising his eyebrows at me. 

Freddie set off on a self-guided tour of my place, slowly wandering around, picking things up and examining them. There wasn’t much to see though, I didn’t need much. I stood by, chewing on a fingernail. 

I had the volume on the radio down low for some background noise and to calm myself. He wandered over to my record collection; taking albums off the shelf and looking at the songs on the back. I went to stand near him, looking over his shoulder. We chatted a bit about the artists, and the songs we both liked.

Suddenly, he stopped and turned up the volume on the radio. “Love this song”

He began singing along, still looking at the albums but starting to sway to the music. Being as close as I was, I let my chin rest on his shoulder and placed my arms around his torso. Now we were both swaying.  
I laughed. He was the consummate showman. Even in my living room with an audience of one, he couldn’t help himself. 

He put the albums down and turned to face me. Draping his arms around my shoulders and I pulled him close. Moving as one until the song ended. Quietly singing along, studying each other. 

Slowly, our faces came together. He pressed his cheek to mine, and I closed my eyes. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, one hand caressing my neck, the other coming to rest on my upper arm. Our swaying ended, and he moved from my away enough for me to see his face. We remained that way for a few moments, absorbing the closeness, the warmth. Trying to understand exactly what this was. 

I had never felt anything like this before. Was this what love felt like? 

Finally, he spoke. Pressing his forehead to mine.

“I’m sorry I left in the middle of our love scene at the party,” he said. 

“It’s ok,” I lied. “It wasn’t the right place for that”

“Maybe it is now, though” he said; letting his hands run down my arms. I yearned for his touches. How had I ever lived without them?

I smiled. “Maybe it is”

“Are you sure you’d like to take this a step further?” he asked me.

“Yes” I said. Sure of myself. I wanted whatever was going to happen to happen. I wasn’t afraid or ashamed.

"I think about you all the time, you know” he said. It was music to my ears.

“I love the shape of your lips” he said as he watched his finger run across them. “ they look like a cupid’s bow. I catch you looking at me all the time with those...lovely green eyes, and I like that. Makes me feel...special, and wanted. I love to show off for you onstage, and I love to hear you laugh. I’m happy when you’re happy." 

No one had ever said these kinds of things to me before. I wasn’t invisible, at least not to Freddie. 

He broke away and sat on the couch, pulling me with him. We sat down and he curled up next to me. This was nice. 

He finally looked up at me. I had the urge to kiss him, but I still didn’t have the courage to do so. So he did it for me. Gently. Sweetly. We went on like that for several minutes, stopping on occasion to look at each other, letting a hand move over a cheek or an arm. My heart fluttered. 

He was a sight to behold, he really was. Beautiful eyes, soft lips, a slender body that curved here and there. He moved to sit in my lap, facing me. The kisses continued and we would stop to gaze at each other for what seemed forever. My body was responding to his caresses, his deep kisses and the way he looked at me. I knew it was obvious. It was embarrassing, but there was nothing I could do about it. 

His hands slipped down my chest, and he leaned closer, brushing his lower body ever so gently over mine. A breath caught in my throat. 

“Would you like me take care of that for you?” he asked quietly. I knew what he was talking about, and he knew I did too.

I nodded. He moved off of me, unbuttoned my trousers and gently unzipped them, still looking at me.

I let out a quick breath, but I didn’t resist

He moved again, kissing my neck, running a hand down my chest, unbuttoning buttons as he went, letting his hand slowing run down my chest, to my stomach and finally taking me in his hand. I gasped.

“Impressive” he whispered. I smiled at the suggestion, but I could feel a blush come over my face.

It was an incredible feeling to have someone else do what I had been doing myself for years, and Freddie just added to the pleasure by using his mouth on me as well, but it caused me to be done in less than a minute. He could see my embarrassment, and I couldn’t believe this had happened in front of him. A few moments of the combination had completely done me in in no time. Surely I was the now the world record holder for fastest time finished.

He climbed back into my lap. “It’s alright. Don’t worry” he whispered in my ear. There was no teasing in his voice. He gently kissed my neck. He ran a finger across my jaw, and I finally gathered enough courage to look at him.  
“I....uh....I...” I was trying to make a coherent sentence, but it wasn’t happening. 

I could tell he was just as excited and I felt that I should try to him as happy as he had just made me. So, with a deep kiss, I moved us both down on the couch. And he unzipped his trousers.

I had never done this to someone before, so I attempted to do just what he had done to me. My clumsy first attempt at this didn’t faze him. I gazed up at him, and listened to the sounds he made. I watched him enjoy himself until the end. 

I moved up to lean over him “Thank you” he said breathlessly

“Was that ok?” I asked. Such a novice.

“That was MORE than ok, love That was DIVINE” Throwing an arm off the side of the couch. I had to laugh a little. He was always so dramatic.

I laid down on the couch beside him, and he settled into the crook of my arm, his head on my shoulder, a hand resting on my chest. My fingers brushed through his hair. Perhaps I should have felt weird by what had just happened, but I didn’t. 

It felt....normal. And right. 

We spent a good long while bashfully looking at each other and smiling until we closed our eyes for a bit. I asked if he would like to stay, and when he said yes; I suggested that we move to my bedroom so we could be comfortable. I had an inkling of what would happen in there, locked away from the world-I didn’t even have a phone yet, so there would be no interruptions.

I took his hand and lead him there. Closing the door; I was about to leave the old me behind.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I would have to leave it to him to make the first move. 

Safely locked away in my bedroom, he threw his arms around my neck and our lips met again. I was ready to go where ever this was going to take me. His lips, his body, his very essence of being; I wanted to be absorbed into it. Our kisses grew deeper this time, slow and hot. I pulled him close once again, my hands running over his back, following the curve it naturally made. My breathing began to quicken. "Mmmm!" was his response as he moved himself against me seductively. He bent back slightly in my arms with a little laugh, exposing his neck which I went for hungrily, kissing it up one side and down the other. A moan escaped his lips. 

Clothes began to be shed quickly. A shirt here, a jacket there. Trousers. Hands roamed over each other as each piece came off, until we were both extracted from all of our clothing. Finally our bodies touched, the contact made me come alive like never before. Painfully shy in everyday life, alone with Freddie; I became someone else. 

I was set free. 

He pulled me down with him on the bed and we tangled together in a heap. There I was, poised over him while he sprawled out luxuriously on his back. At that moment, I wanted him more than anything. 

His dark eyes dared me. Teased me. He was something to behold and I wanted to explore every inch of him, but there was a part of me that was unsure about what to do next, and Freddie must have read me like a book. His eyes dark were full of desire "I suspect this will be a night we won't soon forget" he said

"First time with a boy?" He ran his hands along my torso.

I nodded

"Not to worry. By the end of tonight you will be full of confidence, darling. I promise I'll take good care of you."

He was gorgeous. Sexy. God, please don't let me screw this up.

He propped himself up on his elbows, his face next to mine, giving me a long sultry, hot kiss. 

As his long legs moved up alongside my torso, he guided me in. An experience, that I would never forget. 

He let out a breath, and sucked in another until our bodies were flush against each other: connected as one. He let out a moan as he settled back, his long dark hair falling around him. I bit my lip, trying not to let this be over before it started. He was so sexy though, moving beneath me. His lips, soft and wet parted and made the most tantalizing sounds. I could've listened to him all night. I moved slowly at first, but grew more aggressive as the moments passed, doing my best not to lose control.

I watched him closely, his face a picture of pleasure, the hair on his chest starting to stick to his skin with sweat. He let his arms fall back on the bed above his head in surrender for a few moments, closing his eyes his head rolled to the side. "What are you doing to me, darling? It's wonderful". 

I didn't know what to say back, I was absorbed in the moment and the feeling. The bed creaked with the movements we made. I no longer cared if the whole neighborhood heard us. I wanted it to last for as long as possible. I leaned closer to his face, kissing his sweet lips once more, and moving down to nuzzle his neck.. His fingers tangled in my hair, then moved down my back, gripping me and urging me on. I was at the point of no return, and I told him so. He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes, holding my gaze. He cried out and between us, I felt him let himself go, and I did the same. Letting out a long moan of ecstasy, my head spinning, I gave a final thrust. I held myself there inside him until I was spent. I laid down on top of him, the feel of his warm body next to mine was comforting and he held me there, caressing me.

What happened that night sealed the bond we had been forming between us. I could not just write it off as some sort of curiosity about my sexuality and forget it. I had to admit to myself that over the past two years, I had fallen in love. I wondered if he felt the same.

After a few moments, we rolled over to face one another, gazing into each others eyes. He smiled. 

“If they only knew” he said, touching my cheek.

“Knew what?” 

“That the quiet, shy person you are in public, hides a great deal of fire in the bedroom,” he winked

I smiled 

“That’s our secret, ok?”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell. Someone might try to steal you away if they knew” he said, looking at me seriously.

I looked at him. “Never” 

At that moment, it was true and I could've said the same of him. Suddenly, I felt possessive of Freddie; though I had no reason to feel threatened.

He propped his head up on an arm, looking at me. 

“You know; I haven’t been with another man since I came to London. You’re my first.” 

I was a little shocked. 

“So when did you first have a... boyfriend?” I stammered, trying to find out when he had first been with another man. 

“Oh, I’ve never had a proper boyfriend” he said.

“Then when did you....know...”

“I think I always knew. Things happened at boarding school. I was about... mmm...fourteen or so. It’s just that here in London, I’ve been a little nervous to get together with anyone. I don’t know... I’ve been shy about it, I guess. I was hoping someone would ask me, but then you came along and I thought you were sweet, and we enjoyed each other’s company”

“You see, at school, well; I did things with some of the boys there, but it was just sex, y’know?” He looked sad about the whole thing. "No matter how many boys I was with, I still felt lonely. I guess I had this silly...romantic idea or whatever; I wanted someone who would make love to me and not just have some fun and forget like it even happened. I wanted someone who cared about me, who would fall MADLY in love with me. I guess I watch too many old movies”

I smiled.

“So, when I met you, I could kind of tell that you were.......attracted to me. In the way that I always hoped someone would be" He looked down bashfully.

I held my breath for a moment. Was it noticeable? While I had always tried to be "one of the boys” I had taken a few shoves and name calling at school, but since I remained quiet and self conscious about all my actions, I had avoided beatings in general. I liked girls, thought they were lovely to look at, and I had imagined kissing and making out with some of the ones I knew, but there were boys I found attractive as well; but I kept that to myself, avoiding anything outward that would have given it away. Freddie, had somehow seen it in me.

He continued.

“As we got to know each other better, I kept thinking how much I’d love to spend the night with you, and I hoped you wanted the same. I’m sorry. Talking too much again”

“It’s all right” I smiled. "I couldn’t stop thinking about you from the day I met you. You’re the real reason I said yes to joining the band"

He looked at me quizzically “Are you kidding?”

“Not kidding. I don’t even like hard rock music”

We both laughed. I moved closer, I never wanted this evening to end.

“Can I tell you something” I said. Moving a finger across his lips.

“Anything, darling” 

"I’m in love with you". His eyes reflected so many things in that moment. I thought he might cry. 

“I’m in love with you too. I have been, for a long time now” My heart soared, and I stroked his hair. Several emotions flowed through me. Surprise. Happiness. Relief. Calm. 

We were going to be alright. We were. I leaned in for another incredible kiss, and we moved closer together.

We fell fast asleep in each other’s arms, our fingers entwined. In a way, we would never let go. The me that was, was gone forever. Things would never be the same again. 

I woke up a little while later to find him curled up next to me. His face a picture of contentment. Shy and sweet in daily life. Sexy and uninhibited in bed. Fierce and fearless onstage. You could tell, nothing would ever stand in his way. He would get everything he wanted. Freddie was everything I felt I was not, and maybe he gravitated to me for the reasons that made me different from him. Stability to his whimsy. Frugal to his spendthrift. Reserved to his flamboyance. Together, we were balanced and complete. 

He knew with me, he would have a rock to hold on to should the waves come crashing down. That under no circumstance would I ever betray him, or undermine him in any way. I had, from the beginning, accepted him just as he was, and he had accepted me and my own quirks. He would trust me with his business affairs and money, and turn to me for advice. I would look to him for help and comfort should the storms of the rock star life get to be too much for me. We would grow old together, side by side. Making music or not. I would be there for him, and he would be there for me. Of that, I was sure.

Neither of us would ever feel alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEP. STILL FICITONAL.....


	7. Caught In a Landslide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And baby makes three...

I can’t say that I felt guilty around my girlfriend. Foremost, we were friends. Best friends. She worked during the day, and I was usually working at night, so we didn’t see too much of each other. When we did, we’d grab a bite to eat, go to the movies. Have a laugh. Nothing complicated.

What Freddie and I had differed completely from what she and I had. She was in no hurry to sleep with me. Freddie still had Mary and it seemed like it was ok to have both. We each had a person who we could do things with that would make us appear “normal” to the outside world. If we did that stuff together, people would talk. Though I was madly in love with Freddie, there was a part of me that was nervous about people finding out about us. He felt the same. It would later cause anxiety in us both, leading us into roads that were better left un-traveled. 

We were no longer anonymous. We were now in the public eye. This kind of thing was frowned upon back then, and anyone finding out would have been the end of our careers. We had to be very careful. 

In my working or social life, I could not let go. Shy and awkward around strangers, but alone with Freddie, I could relax. He liked bringing out that side of me. He thought I needed to give myself a break from the way I was and being what he called “uptight” in my daily life. 

“Be yourself!” he would always say

I tried to be. For years I did. It just didn’t come as easily to me as it did to him. He could play at it, make the papers play a guessing game. I wasn’t built for that. I could never admit to anyone else that I was not what I seemed to be. It would prove to be a disaster in the long run.

Freddie was still with Mary and I knew they were sleeping together. He had said so. It wasn't a ruse, he loved her and so it was natural for him to be physical with her. 

For me; it was different. My girlfriend and I had not gotten to that point. Since the beginning, she had wanted to wait. I settled for heavy make out sessions instead. 

One night, my she invited me to her new flat. Her place was done up tastefully, and next to mine; hers looked like a palace. She wanted to celebrate her new independence and made us dinner. Afterward, she broke out some wine and we consumed it while we talked and laughed. We were finally alone for the very first time and the wine had loosened us up. After three and a half years of dating, we became physical, and it was wonderful. I felt good about myself as I had some experience behind me, and didn’t appear to be some fumbling mope. 

I went to rehearsals, quite pleased with myself, but not telling anyone.

Fred and I were now even as far as our lives went. Seeing each other, but maintaining girlfriends whom we enjoyed being with as well. It turned out it was also a convenient cover.

Freddie had me. Heart and soul. Body, and mind, but I gave it to him freely. We would soon learn that we could not be together in complete freedom like we had hoped. Our carefree time together would soon come to a close. Our joy would turn to sadness. Our sadness to pain. Our pain, to anguish and then to devastation. 

They booked us into the Rainbow in November of that year. Stuff was finally happening for us. Before the show at my flat, my girlfriend stopped me in my tracks. She was pregnant. 

“What?!” I said; maybe a little too loud. 

She was in a panic. What were we going to do? Though she was 24 already and on her own, her parents would not be happy about this. This news upended my entire world. I thought about her parents and their reaction to me. My mum’s reaction. 

Freddie. 

Shit.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t prepared for this. While I honestly wanted a family at some point, I wasn’t ready for it to begin RIGHT now. I had no money and a tiny bedsit. I should have known better, but the wine had given me a nonchalant attitude and I didn’t think of the consequences. Alcohol would be my nemesis throughout my life. My mind raced. 

I was going to be a father. 

I did my best to forget about it during the show. If I had let my mind wander to it, I most likely would have forgotten every song. 

I figured we could live together and raise the baby-it was the 70's after all and lots of young people did just that, but my girlfriend would not have a baby out of wedlock. I told her I wouldn’t leave her or the baby, I would own up to my responsibilities and I would take good care of them both. She knew I would, but wanted to be married before the baby was born anyway. In the end, I agreed and we started looking for a church for the ceremony.

It was several weeks later that I told the others.

“I didn’t even know you HAD a girlfriend, Deacy” Brian laughed

“That’s nice and all but, how’re you supposed to be a rock star with a family? You’re supposed to be shagging groupies, not changing diapers and being home for supper at five” Roger took a drag off of his cigarette, looking up at me like I had just grown two heads. 

“ I’m sure you’re going to make a brilliant father. Don’t listen to Roger, he’s got enough rock star in him for all of us,” Brian smiled.

“Damn right I do” Rog winked “This might be alright after all, seeing as John’s no longer in the running, it’ll free up some birds for me “He gave me a big grin. 

“Thanks, Rog” I rolled my eyes

I had to tell Freddie. 

“I thought you said you weren’t sleeping with her"

“I wasn't. Then, I was. It just.... I don’t know....happened. 

Fred paced the floor. 

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to marry her”

Freddie just looked at me.

"I have to, Fred. I have a responsibility to them both”

Freddie pondered that. A change had come over him. Sadness. Anxiety. I could feel it. 

“Freddie...” I stepped closer to him

“So...when is it? The wedding I mean,” he said.

“Not sure. Soon though” 

Freddie looked dejected. Contemplative. 

He began fiddling with his bracelets “I see. Our time was short, but it was nice while it lasted. Wasn't it?"

I didn't know what to say. My heart sank. 

“You’re going to make a wonderful father” he tugged at my sleeve and started to leave. 

I took his arm. “Please don’t be this way.”

He smiled sadly and finally walked away

Suddenly, I felt all alone. Abandoned by the one person who truly understood me.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. 

For several years we had flirted and teased each other, only to start a relationship that became increasingly emotional and then physical. We both had girlfriends, but we were living dual lives.  
Now, it was going to become complicated. Having a girlfriend was one thing. Having a wife was quite another. Especially in Freddie's’ eyes. What had started off so well, would become a battle for my soul. What your heart wants and what the right thing to do is.

I didn’t like the change that had come over Freddie. He became sullen. Quiet. This wasn’t him. I tried to talk him around because I didn’t want to lose him and all the things we had gained in the last few years, his companionship or his love. He was important to me, and I loved every little thing about him. I couldn’t lose him. 

I hated to see that happiness that he had whenever he was around me fizzle out, and it was making me anxious and sad. I no longer laughed like I did before, the smiles that Freddie put on my face were fading. It caught me between two worlds: my new little family and Freddie. Both needed me, and I needed them.

A fifteen year tug of war inside my head and my heart was about to begin.

I had learned a lot about myself over the years, but outside the bedroom, I found it hard to accept that side of myself. But for the rest of the world to know was a different thing altogether. As Freddie would say, “caught in a landslide” What Freddie and I had was special, a once in a lifetime thing. Something I was not willing to let go of so easily. 

Shortly after Christmas, Fred announced his engagement to his girlfriend Mary. I had a feeling he may have also thought if I was going to settle down, he should too. We would at least have the same things, be equal. But I knew better, and so did he. Throughout the small get together at his and Mary’s flat, we caught each other’s eyes. How quickly things had changed for us.


	8. Wedding Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the bride, or does she?

My wedding day was in a church in Kensington. Friends, family, Brian, Roger and their girlfriends. No sign of Freddie, though. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t show. He rarely stayed too long anywhere my fiancée was. It may have been jealousy, or maybe he just felt weird being in the same room with her, knowing the other side of me that I was withholding from her.

I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or relieved that he wasn’t there yet. I was nervous enough as it was. Not long before the ceremony started, the door at the back of the church opened and in stepped Freddie, a feather boa around his neck; Mary on one arm, her friend on the other. Everyone was watching this spectacular parade down the aisle. He loved that they trained all eyes on him. He most likely had planned it that way. The look on my soon to be in laws and their relatives were a picture of shock and horror. Roger let out a "pffft!" and Brian elbowed him to be quiet.

I watched him steal the whole wedding right out from under us. Whether he did it to spite me, mock the whole thing or just to hoard the attention- I was never sure. The way he made his entrance made me think that instead of answering out loud if there were any objections, he would say it quietly. I could hear him in my head:

“Yes. I have an objection. Your groom, darling; is my boyfriend” 

A brief pang of hurt hit me, but I had to laugh a little too. I meant enough to him to make this big, grand entrance. Instead of blending in, he wanted to shake it up, and make a silent statement that he was important to the groom too. What was important was that he was here with me. He hadn’t abandoned me or been mad enough to stay away, which would have broken my heart. I could be strong with him there. I could do this, I could do anything with him by my side. We would sort all of this out, somehow.

Married. 

That didn’t even seem possible. I looked at the gold band on my left hand. While I was excited to have my own little family; I felt a great deal of responsibility on my shoulders. Barely into my twenties and now I was settling down when I hadn’t really even lived yet. My other self had to be tucked away. 

For now.

As my wife grew more pregnant, Queen was scheduled to head up to to Ridge Farm for rehearsals for our next album. I was excited to get away for a while as home life had become strained. My wife’s parents were always around, and the life I thought I would always want seemed dull compared to the life I had lived only a few years before. We still didn’t have a lot of money coming in, but there was enough to begin some repairs on our new place. Though I was settling in with married life, there was that side of me that needed Freddie. I was lonely. The baby was due during the time we were to be at Ridge Farm, so I kept in contact with my wife. Her parents would be there for her while I was away. They didn’t like it, but that’s how it had to be. I had to make some money to care for my family. 

Freddie had always encouraged me to write some songs, and during the previous five months I had been working on one. I played around on the piano and shortly the lyrics came to me. My wife really was my best friend. Her pregnancy was not something that we planned on. It was an accident. Though at the time, I believe she had an inkling that something was different about me, she still cared about me. She had this sweet, caring heart and I loved her for that. I wanted to write something for her, to reassure her that I did, in fact love her. It was called "You're My Best Friend"

It was also a teeny bit about Freddie as well. He was my safety net. A guiding light. My companion.

For many years, I maintained that it was solely about my wife (what was I supposed to say in those days? What kind of backlash would I have gotten if I had said part of it was about Freddie?) In later interviews, it would slip that perhaps it was not all about her. Freddie was where I found a comfort and calm as a young man who wasn’t sure about himself, of who or what he was exactly. I could not get that feeling from my wife. She had no idea about Freddie and I at this point. 

I would have to tell her. Eventually. 

We made it up to the Farm in early July. It was just us four, and a few engineers. Roger had said it was more like a summer camp rather than work, and that was true. We played snooker, went swimming, got beaten at table tennis by Freddie, or went down to the pub in town for drinks. 

And; we rehearsed.

For the first time in several months, Freddie and I had some time to spend together. Though my new life brought me joy and security, a tremendous responsibility now hung over me. I thought about it far too much to be healthy. I needed to let some of it go while up at the Farm. If I didn't, I would go crazy.

I was relieved that Freddie seemed happy to be spending time with me again after being separated for a few months. It was like old times.

Fred and I would sometimes go for a stroll at night along the country lanes. It was quiet-something we both loved, and we had time to just be together and talk. All alone; darkness was our cover. Sometimes, on a lonely road, I would take his hand as we strolled along. 

I was his stability and he was my freedom. 

It had been a sweltering summer so far, and the nights didn’t provide much relief, especially inside our rooms. So, Freddie and I would venture out into the night, sitting having a drink or lounging on one of the rolling hills overlooking the area, finding some relief in the cool grass. It was beautiful there at night.

Farmers would pass by on the road below, never noticing us. The sky was full of stars and we would sit down in the grass and look up to see millions of tiny lights. 

“Can you imagine Brian being up here, seeing all these stars?” I said. 

“Oh God. He’d sit here and tell us the name of each fucking spot in the sky”. 

I laughed. He was probably right.

I leaned into him. My chin resting on his shoulder. He placed his head against mine.

“Everything is going well with you at home?” he asked, picking at a long blade of grass in his hand

“Yes. It’s a big change, but I guess everything is all right. How about you and Mary?”

“Oh, we’re fine.” He didn’t sound convincing. 

I laid back in the grass and beckoned him to join me. 

“Should I? You’re a married man now,” he teased. 

I sat up and put my arms around him. 

“Please, Fred? I need to hold you” giving him a kiss on the cheek. 

He didn’t resist, and we leaned back into the soft grass. I took his hand and I brought it to my lips and kissed it. I rolled onto my side, making him roll over onto his back.

“I’ve missed you” I said. He touched my cheek, and we gravitated to each other's lips, as it turned into a deep kiss full of meaning and longing. “I’ve missed you to, my love. So much”

I would remember that night. A sky full of stars, laughter coming from the Farm, farmers walking by on the road with their lanterns. Freddie in my arms.

There were nights that we did the whole rehearsal and pub thing with the engineers, Rog and Brian, and some days their girlfriends would stop by. It was good fun, but sometimes Fred and I would sneak off to our rooms while everyone was occupied. 

I loved being with him. Far off in the country, away from prying eyes where we could be ourselves. We would spend hours passionately tangled together.

But, in the beginning of July, I got the call that our baby had been stillborn. My wife was shattered, she had wanted this baby so much. I rushed back to London as soon as I could to be with her; and though I tried to help; she was inconsolable. I was brokenhearted as well. Though I had never met this little being; I had grown attached to him and wanted very much to meet my son. However, it was not meant to be, and we laid him to rest, doing our best to recover from our heartbreaking loss.

I eventually made it back to the farm so we could continue. I was met with compassion and sympathy from everyone and Freddie held me close. I needed that more than anything.

Freddie had been fiddling with a song he had started at the end of 1974, called Bohemian Rhapsody. It was an intricate song, and I had to ask what it was about. "Relationships" is all he would say. Was he talking about he and I, or Mary or relationships in general? He wouldn't say. This beautiful song with its soaring music and operatic middle always made me a little sad. I could never put my finger on why though.

Freddie had asked what I was going to do now. I could not get a divorce as we didn't meet the criteria, but I decided I wouldn't do that even if I could. My wife was beside herself still, and since we were married, I thought we should try again for another baby. I wanted her to be happy, and I also was missing the little one we lost. We had fixed up a room and everything. 

While Freddie nodded at my decision, I could tell he was not too happy about it. Perhaps he thought we could be together again. I know he missed me as much as I missed him, but I could not bring myself to abandon her. I just couldn't.

As the summer wore on, Freddie seemed off in his own world, but he shrugged it off when anyone asked and said it was just the duration of the album, and the claustrophobia of being holed up at the recording studio for so long. He was itching to get back to London. 

I took him to the side to ask him to be honest with me.

“Something’s wrong, Freddie. What is it?"

He sighed.

“John... when you told me you were going to get married and be a father, it broke my heart. I tried not to show it too much, but when you left that night, I was in a heap on the floor, sobbing for two hours straight”

My heart shattered at the thought. 

He continued: “You know, you were my first proper relationship with a man. You were my first love. I’m still madly in love with you. I just...I was hoping it would last. I’m heartbroken. I thought I had found the one person who was going to love me forever. It just hurts so much that you aren’t mine anymore”. Tears in his eyes, he gave a sniff. 

I kneeled down in front of him.

“Oh Freddie; I’ll always be yours. And I will love you forever” I said. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. 

“It’s not going to be the same as before. You have a whole new life now. When you told me you were going to stay married and try for another baby, it just made it all the more real that you were never coming back to me. I wish things could have been different, that's all”

He kissed my cheek.

He left me sitting there, alone. My heart in pieces. Ahead, unknown to me at this moment lie great sadness. Jealousy, bitterness, longing and frustration. Depression. Dark places. I thought I had left all my sadness behind. 

My brief respite was over.

I walked in to the studio one morning and Freddie was already there with someone. He was letting the person listen to a playback of Bohemian Rhapsody.

“That sounds incredible” an unfamiliar voice said. Freddie laughed. “Do you really like it?” he asked playfully, no longer sad. I had never seen this guy before, but it seemed that Freddie had. I stood by and listened  
for a few minutes. They talked for a bit about show business things, and I watched as they leaned in to each other, a few whisperings followed by laughter until I made myself known with a cough.

Fred seemed a bit surprised to see me. I said ‘hello’ to the guy, and Fred introduced me. 

“This is John. He’s our bass player and a dear friend of mine. Deaky, this is David. He’s in the music business too” He stood and shook my hand.

He was a little shorter than Freddie, with big droopy eyes and a baby face. I started to feel jealous, but I couldn’t see anything in him that Freddie would like. 

“I’ll see you back in London,” David told Freddie

“I’ll see you then” Freddie said with an impish smile. I got suspicious

“Where did he come from? I asked, playing with the knobs on the mixing table. 

“I met him earlier this spring at a bar and we got to talking about the business, and I invited him up here” Fred said matter-of-factly. 

“Oh...” 

I wasn’t happy with the way they chatted with each other. It was a little too familiar, but Freddie was flirtatious with literally everyone. I left it at that. I didn’t want to argue. Perhaps I was reading into things. 

Maybe I didn’t want to know.

Freddie in his infinite wisdom took Bohemian Rhapsody straight to his friend, DJ Kenny Everett who played it 14 times. The public went wild for it and we had a hit on our hands.

We were finally on our way. We would headline our own tours, get groupies, roadies and our entourage would start to grow with the good and the bad.

I spent all of my time at home when we weren’t traveling, so Freddie and I didn’t see each other as much as before, and I missed him terribly. I longed for his touch and the feel of him next to me. Why did this have to be so complicated? The stress of having to hide was beginning to have an affect on both of us.


	9. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get more and more complicated.

“You’re my Best Friend” was released and became a surprise hit. I was thrilled. I had a song on the charts both here and in the U.S. I never would have dreamed it would happen.

It was getting more and more difficult to reach Freddie, as he always seemed to be out. 

I noticed that this David was hanging around a lot. He pretty much went where ever we were. Parties, rehearsals, gigs. I didn’t think too much of it because Freddie was still with Mary and she was always there too, and he was still friendly with me.

But then I started seeing less of Mary. But David was still hanging around. Though he wasn’t obvious, I noticed Freddie being more attentive to him, but being rather nervous when he was around as well.

My suspicions grew, but I knew he was a flirt and he really loved people, so I tried not to let it upset me. That was hard to do. To love someone who loves EVERYONE, you have to learn to share them, but you don’t really want to. 

The first day of filming “Somebody To Love”, I noticed Freddie smiling sweetly at someone in the control room. I looked over to find David there, smiling back. While we strummed along to the playback, Freddie and I looked at each other. He could see I was mad. What the hell was going on?

A roadie broke the news to me. Freddie was seeing David. 

My heart sank, and suddenly for the first time, I felt anger. I confronted him. 

“So when did this happen?” I asked. He didn’t even try to lie.

“We started seeing each after we finished the album. It went from there” 

All I could do was stand there and look silly. A wave of jealousy crept thru me like a serpent.

He took a deep breath.

“Look, John, I deserve to have a steady boyfriend. You know I don't like being alone. I need some companionship and love and attention, and David and I have been....” he trailed off without finishing. I knew what he meant.

“I tried to be with you as much as I could, Fred"

“You know what I mean, John”

“Is he the real reason you broke it off with Mary?” I asked.

He nodded

I felt betrayed. He had, for a time, been with all three of us.

“So you told her, but not me? Were you just planning to keep me around in case it didn’t work out between you and David?” 

“No, John. Never. I don’t want to let you go, I love you so much. Please don’t be mad that I didn’t tell you. I wanted to, I just couldn’t”

“I don’t believe this”

“John....what do you want me to do?” he sounded defeated

I walked around trying to comprehend what was happening. I shouldn’t be mad. He was right. I had no right to keep him from finding someone to give him that companionship. I had it and he should too. I still didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I hated it.

“This doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you,” he said. “I’ll love you forever, John. It doesn’t just go away like that. You know that that’s the truth. We can’t escape who we are and what we feel. You know that I will always be waiting for you.”

And though I was hurt. I would never be truly angry with him.

I couldn’t juggle two separate lives, though I was trying to.

Freddie felt that I was living a lie, and that I was not accepting who I really was. 

I was trapped in between with Freddie making it known that he still wanted me and that I could come back to him at any time, and of course how could I? I was married and I couldn’t and wouldn’t just walk away and abandon her. That’s not who I was. And yet, I was cheating on her, and it wasn't right, but I could not break away from Freddie. It was impossible. 

For a decade Freddie would take lover after lover. He went thru them like candy. He wasn’t happy with any of his boyfriends. He was trying, but none of them were satisfactory in his mind. It was only me he wanted. If I had had walked away from my marriage and declared myself his, he would have dropped whoever he was with at the time to be with me. 

That’s how much he loved me. 

I found it hard to understand sometimes. He loved me far more than I could have imagined, and far more than I felt I was deserving of. Especially after breaking his heart. In the beginning we had spent so much time together, enjoying each other, not knowing what was to come. He would try again and again over the years to convince me that all I had to do was to see who I really was. To listen to my heart and the answer would be as plain as the nose on my face. 

I could be free. We could be free.

We were having a tough time, he and I. We needed each other desperately, and though we tried to stop, we ended up carrying on, anyway. Even with David around.

It was an impossible situation. One we should have put a stop to, but we would never really be able to. Freddie was someone who was hard to get out of your system. 

It would reach a critical stage further down the road, with me teetering on the brink of destruction. Life could be so unfair. But Fred would not give up on me. He wanted to be free to live his life the way he wanted, and he wanted the same for me. We would eventually have to come to terms with the cold hard facts, and an enemy at the gate that would decide for us, but until then we would struggle in our own ways, trying to figure out a way to make this work or part company, which would be so hard for either of us to do.

It was a “long hard fight” as Fred would sing later on.

The album and the songs were hits, and another tour was planned along with another album. I had written another song at the Farm, right after Freddie and I had spent so many wonderful nights together up on the hill or nestled in my room while everyone was down at the pub. I wanted to never lose that memory so I wrote “You and I”; still reeling from the happiness I felt. Freddie loved it then and brought it up for our new album.

“I don’t think that’s relevant anymore, Fred” looking at my new haircut in the mirror. 

“What are you talking about? It’s a beautiful song, about a beautiful time. Let’s do it, please?”

I could never say no to him, and he knew it. 

David was around all the time. I wasn’t fond of him, not because he was a bad guy, but because he took up so much of Freddie’s time. Time he could spend with me. I was possessive of Freddie, and jealous of David.

Anywhere David was, I wasn’t. Freddie noticed; as he noticed everything. He was sensitive to everyone’s feelings. Especially mine. He didn’t bring it up, but he tried to make us come together, but I wouldn’t budge. I brought my wife ‘round to try even things out, but it never made me feel better, and Freddie didn’t like it either. Though he was sweet to her, like me with David, he didn’t want the “significant other” nearby. It was awkward and made us both uncomfortable. Being in the same room with either David or my wife would cause tension between us. 

David and Freddie were incompatible, I could see it and Freddie told me about their fights. But Freddie still kept him around. I had never experienced jealousy like this until David came along, even though I knew I should let it go. I wished he would just go away so I could have Freddie back in my life. 

“Why is he always here? Doesn’t he have a job to go to?” I asked Fred, taking a sip of my drink. 

“Are you jealous?” Fred asked without looking at me.

What a stupid question. He knew the answer.

“Why would you ask me that?”

“I just wanted to know” he said, his eyes downcast

“So that’s what this is? You’re trying to make me jealous. For what reason exactly?”

“I’m not trying to make you jealous. I just want to know if you are,” he said.

“Yes. I’m jealous. So now that you know, are you going to get rid of him?”

“No”

“No?”

Freddie plunked on the piano. “John, look. Why can’t you just be friends with him? He’s nice. I thought you wanted me to be happy."

"But you aren't happy"

"David and I are in love” he said.

“No, you’re not,” I said 

He sighed. “John, please. Don’t do this. You should be happy for me, I’ve found someone too. I’m happy for you,” he lied. “Besides, I have enough love for the both of you” 

“Oh, well, that’s good to know,” I said. 

I didn’t want to share him and I wanted to protest; but I left it alone for now. There was no point in arguing. I felt stupid. Why was I even still interested in him? I had the life that most people dream of. A pretty wife, a nice house and a great job.

In early ‘76 we went to Japan and David did not come. Prior engagements kept him away. I was pleased. That left time open for Freddie and I, and I easily stepped into what I thought was my rightful role as “the boyfriend”. We indulged ourselves. Though I tried to stop, I knew it was pointless. I would surrender to him every time. 

Somehow, Roger had found out about us. He liked to tease, but not verbally. For fun, he would cozy up to Freddie to watch my reaction. I knew what he was doing, but I didn’t find it funny. I knew he and Freddie had nothing going on, but they were great friends and they laughed a lot together, and Freddie would give Rog his undivided attention. It was his way of adding a little jealousy to the mix by being attentive to someone else. He seemed to like that kind of thing as it made time in the bedroom more interesting.

Argue. Argue Argue.

Jesus. Sometimes I didn’t even know why I was still in this band. I didn’t fit in musically with them, especially with Brian and Roger, and I could honestly say that the only thing really keeping me there was Freddie. Even that was taken away by other people as his entourage grew. My thoughts about the situation consumed my mind often, and I knew I had to stop. Maybe I just needed to walk away. Still, the gravitational pull towards Freddie was too strong to free myself from. I was tethered at the heart.

In May 1977, I found out I was to be a father once again. I was thrilled and I took Freddie to the side to tell him.

“Congratulations, dear" he said quietly, planting a soft kiss on my cheek. 

There was some sadness coming from him, but I reassured him that my love for him would never diminish.

I put my arm around him and rested my head on his shoulder. He didn’t move away and held me in return, and it was nice to just have him that close again. To feel the warmth that we always shared and know that he would be there for me. No matter how much my having a family or him having a new boyfriend was depressing the both of us, we were trying to make the best of it.

David was getting suspicious of Freddie, asking if he was running around on him. Fred proclaimed his innocence, but David was on to him. He never knew Freddie was with me. But I was to learn, I also wasn’t the only one he was cheating on David with. 

Then one day; it was official. David left Freddie. He had found out that Freddie was seeing someone else behind his back. I thought I had finally gotten Freddie back. But that wasn't the case.

Freddie was now dating a fellow named Joe.

I was heartbroken; thinking I was the only one. Apparently, that would never be true. The only constant thing was that thru all his boyfriends, I was always there as well. A secret that no one knew anything about. My being married, not talking about my private life, and being so opposite of Freddie, threw everyone off. They would never, ever suspect me.

The difference between myself and Freddie's other lovers was that we had a genuine love for each other. He tried to love everyone else, and to an extent he did. But not like he loved me.

I finally realized that if I wanted Freddie in my life, I was going to have to accept the other men that came into his. That was so hard for me to deal with, but that was the reality. I hated it, but I loved him more, so I let him have his way. Most of the time it drove me to distraction. Sometimes I felt like I was his back up, but I could not stop the life I had to join him in his.

I knew he was searching for something, but was not finding it. I hated it, but I too was part of the problem. Sometimes, his boyfriends would discover Freddie was cheating on them, but they could never figure out who the “other” person was. We were already good at hiding it. Years of practice.

The comfort we found in each other had not dimmed with time or from being apart. The stress of fame, the problems with relationships, the flashes of photographers, cameras, the push of a crowd. Unlike his other lovers who weren’t in the spotlight, we understood each other as we went thru it all the time. We enjoyed the money and making music, but the rest of it made us ill sometimes.

David eventually became a distant memory. Freddie began to go out to clubs and becoming increasingly a party boy. Not something I was fond of, as I sensed it could be dangerous to his well being and our careers. I couldn’t stop him. It was his life. I had to learn to manage without him, and he was learning to manage without me, but it was very difficult. 

But what was really going on was that the lovers he took, the men they would spot him with in clubs or parties were, in a way; a distraction for him, and a cover for me. He was protecting me and protecting our relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S A SHAME I HAVE TO SAY THIS YET AGAIN, BUT THIS IS A FAN FICTION. FICTION BEING THE KEY WORD HERE. DON'T LET ME FIND ANYTHING I WRITE HERE SOMEWHERE ELSE MARKED AS TRUTH OR SOME SORT OF "EVIDENCE" OF A ROMANTIC DEACURY OR I WILL CALL YOU OUT ON IT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. ***For those of you just enjoying it and not taking it seriously, I thank you and enjoy! : ) **


	10. If You Can't Beat Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex, drugs and rock and roll

Things were changing. I didn’t see Freddie as much and was looking out for my family and fixing up our house. And he was finding new friends. I was eager to get back to work just so I could be around him again.

But Freddie was now with his new boyfriend Joe, and there wasn’t room for me anymore so I felt a bit abandoned. This would be Freddie's way of doing things from now on though. He would go from boyfriend to boyfriend without considering the last one too much. Freddie wanted each one to be jealous of the next, and he had no qualms about the new boyfriend finding out about the old one. It was like he was keeping a harem, but no one was really enjoying it as much as he was. 

Where once he and I would hang out before and after shows, things had now changed. He had an entourage, and they all kept him company. There was little need to have me around anymore. Sometimes, I wanted to leave the band. 

I was never really having fun. But I did it for Freddie. It was a way to be near him. 

On tour, I usually stayed in my hotel room. Brian and Roger would go out to bars and clubs, and Freddie would find his way to the clubs in any big city we were in. Paul, his new personal manager, would help find him what he was looking for, be it drugs or men. I was depressed there, alone in my room. Freddie was out having a good time with God only knows who, with a new set of “friends”, people who didn’t care about him like I did, but instead wanted to bask in his fame. 

It made me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him in my room with me, where he belonged. Even if we just sat and talked.

I was the family man, staying inside, being a good boy. I needed to get out and live a little. Married at such a young age, and as the band took off, I never got the chance to live the life of a “rock star”. I was tired of staying in and went out against my better judgment.

One night, we all went to a club in New York. Freddie was having a great time, dancing, drinking and...snorting cocaine. I was shocked, but I couldn’t blame this all on Paul, Freddie was a grown man and capable of making his own decisions. Roger also gave it a whirl (he was our party boy after all) but Brian stuck to his Vodka. 

Freddie came over to me, wild and noisy. “You must try this, honey”. 

“No, Fred. That’s not my thing, ” I told him over the noise of the club, swirling the drink in my glass.

He stamped his foot in frustration

“C’mon, darling. A little won’t hurt you and you need to... loosen up a bit. Live a little!” he said with a shimmy of his shoulders.“You don’t always have to be such a goody two shoes. Wifey’s not here. Have some fun with me. Please?” he said, putting his face next to mine, and looking at me with his big brown eyes. Eyes, he knew; I could not resist.

Once again, I caved to him. I could, on my own, resist the cocaine, but I could not resist him. Putting my snifter of brandy down, I gave it a try. 

Almost immediately, I felt an intense well being and felt mentally alert. It was a great feeling. 

“See! I told you. Isn’t it marvelous?” he yelled over the music while dancing around.

I laughed a little. It was. It really was. It didn’t last long, but while it did, I no longer felt the anxiety that normally plagued me. It was gone. Through the night, I tried more to keep that wonderful feeling around, and watched as Freddie did the same. I felt like I was part of the crowd, having the fun I had missed for so long, taking to the dance floor and having a great time. 

Towards the end of the ‘77 News of the World tour, at an after party in San Diego, I had been drinking quite a bit as the pressures of the road and Freddie's extracurricular activities were in my thoughts. I watched Freddie stroll in with yet another new lover. They laughed together and Freddie hung on his every word. I caught his eye at one point, and he nervously looked away, returning to boyfriend “whatever number this was”. Freddie was stirring up the jealousy in me again. He enjoyed doing it, as it was a way of gauging someone’s interest in him, making them want him even more. It was a silly game, but one he played for years, with every boyfriend; even with Jim. What he wanted was for me to storm over there and pull him away, sending his latest conquest packing. He wanted me to fight for him. But I couldn’t do that.

Even though I wanted to.

I was talking to other people, but my eyes constantly drifted over to the sight of them. I was drunk already, and I was getting more agitated as they kept it up. Why was he doing this? Couldn’t he just take these guys straight to his room? My drunkenness heightened my jealousy. He finally left with him, and Prenter followed. I knew where they were going, and what they were going to do. What made me even madder is that Fred knew it was getting to me. His new plaything was just that. It would be an act void of emotions and Freddie would suffer for it. Seeking that love over and over and not finding it, no matter how handsome the latest screw was.

In my room alone, again; I grew frustrated, and the anger built up to where I could no longer contain it. I let the anger go and threw a punch at the glass door in my shower with my right hand so hard that shards of glass rained down to the floor, my hand and wrist bleeding from the giant pieces of falling glass that had ripped them open. 

My God. What did I just do?

Blood poured out of the wound. I had to get some help. I wrapped it in a towel and called our manager. He drove me to the nearest hospital.

While Freddie spent his night with some rent boy, I spent it in hospital. 

I ended up with 19 stitches in my hand, and my arm in a sling. We had a gig the next night, and I hoped I could play. In the morning, Freddie had somehow gotten wind of my injuries and met me in the hotel's lobby while I was headed for our limo.

He stepped in front of me

“What the hell, HAPPENED?” he asked with concern and panic, looking at my hand. 

“I had a little accident. I’m fine, Freddie. Really” 

“Why didn’t you call me?” he asked. I looked away. He knew why I didn’t. 

He turned to our manager “Why didn’t someone call me?” 

“I didn’t want to disturb you Fred. it was late. Besides, Deaky’s fine. Just a few stitches” 

“Stitches” Fred said flatly as he looked at me and I nodded. 

He didn’t need to know the real reason for this idiotic thing I had done. It would remain my secret. 

“Jesus John, never do that again. I want to know if you get hurt. Fuck all to whatever it is I’m doing, I need you to pound on my door or call me” he looked hurt that he wasn’t told. 

I promised.

I was able to play after I removed the sling which I didn’t need. It was a little painful, but my fingers still worked, so like a trouper, I went onstage. Hand bandaged, my ego bruised more than anything. I was still angry. Not so much at Freddie, but at myself. When was I going to let this go? Why couldn’t I? Freddie wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. Jesus John, pull yourself together and forget him. 

It was easier said than done.


	11. A Fight From the Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ding! Round One!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FICTION, AS ALWAYS

While we were on the Jazz tour, Freddie and I got into an argument late one night when he stopped by my hotel room for a nightcap. A photo shoot awaited us in the morning, and this was a stupid time to be doing this. I considered his cocaine use and the fact that he appeared to be hanging with the wrong crowd, and sleeping with just about anything that moved was a problem, not only for him, but possibly for the rest of us. When I questioned him about all of it, he took offense, downed his Vodka and let loose on me. 

“What the hell do you care? I’m a grownup. I can do whatever I want. And why are you spying on me, anyway? Mind your own fucking business”

I was taken aback. He’d never talked to me like this, I suspected it was a mixture of the Vodka and cocaine, and while I was shocked at his response, I was not about to let him run over me. 

“This is MY fucking business. I’m looking out for you, which is more than I can say for you’re other so called “friends”. You need to stop doing this shit." 

“Oh, you’re just mad that you’re not having any fun. Mad that I’m getting laid every night by different people, and you’re not. It’s rock n roll, honey. It’s not my problem you chose a life with the happy little family and the white picket fence. You could have been having a good time with me. So fuck off with this bullshit, darling.” 

He started for the door.

I grabbed his arm and spun him around.

“Oh, no, you don’t. I’m not done talking to you. And what do you mean? My life is at least stable. Look at you. The clichéd rock star,” I said, looking him up and down. “Sex. Drugs and Rock-and-roll. Some life. Snorting cocaine and running around fucking everything that moves” 

“And so what if I do? Don’t you preach to me, Deacon. I want to have fun, and I will. I don’t need your fucking permission. Just go back to focusing on your wife and kids. They need you more than I do. I can handle myself. Besides, what do you care how many people I’m fucking? You’ve got your wife pregnant all the time, anyway. Obviously you’re getting enough at home, so why should this bother you at all?”

He looked at me

“Are you jealous?” he said. A little gleam in his eye. It’s what he wanted.

I could feel my eyes flash with anger, my face twitched. I knew he had seen it.

“Ah. That’s what I like to see. You miss me, don’t you, darling? he said, draping an arm across my shoulder. “Now, I’m spreading the love, and my legs for anyone who wants it. And you, can’t stop me”

I shrugged off his arm. A different side of me was emerging. This was not the Freddie I knew and loved. And so, I didn’t have to be the John he knew and loved. 

“Maybe I can’t stop you, but I can sure as hell remind you that someone still gives a damn about you. Even if you don’t. I don’t want to wake up one morning, turn on the telly and hear on the news that they found you fucking dead in some hotel room. You may no longer love Freddie, but I still DO!”

He leaned his face close to mine. “Bullshit. You have a pretty fucking strange way of showing it. You told me you weren't sleeping with her” 

I saw where this was going. His own jealousy and anger were showing up after years of holding it in. 

“Don’t!” I said, pointing a finger at him, trying to stop him from blaming this on my wife 

“Don’t what? You were afraid that you liked sleeping with me, so you gave her a whirl, hoping you would like that better. Little did she know that her sweet John was fucking his lead singer. What’s the matter? Don’t want her to know the truth about you?” 

“Shut up”

“No. I won’t”

“You think I’ll stop what I’m doing because of what you say? Actions speak louder than words, John. If you want me to stop, then STOP ME. You’ve had plenty of opportunities to do just that.”

“When are you going to stop this lie you’re living? You know exactly what you want, but you won’t take that fucking first step to come and take what belongs to you. We were in love. We were supposed to be together. I didn’t pack my bags, John. You did”

“You were sleeping with Mary, so how the hell is this different?”

“I didn’t get her pregnant and have to have a shotgun wedding did I?” he snapped

“Fuck you, Freddie” I said, as I walked away

“You already did, my sweet. Many times. And you loved every minute of it.”

He laughed.

“This isn’t funny, Fred. Why do you insist on destroying yourself? Treating yourself like you don’t matter? You matter to me” 

He shook his head “No I don’t”

“Don’t you dare say that”

“I’ll say whatever the hell I want. Don’t tell me how I feel”

“If something happens to you....what am I supposed to do? 

“Oh, you’d be fine without me” he said, dismissing me with a wave and pouring himself another vodka and downing it. 

“You’ve already proved that. You’ve got a wife and kids. You’re doing splendidly. I mean, why would you want me, anyway? You have your dream life now, right. The life you always wanted. You don’t miss me at all,” His voice quieting. 

“I miss you any time I’m not near you. How many times have we been together since the beginning? Quite a damn few. If I didn’t miss or want you, I wouldn’t be standing here right now arguing with you, when I need to get some sleep. I wouldn’t be sneaking off with you every chance I got” 

“After everything that we’ve gone thru, I still love you. I need you by my side. I can’t do all of this without you. I can’t.”

“And I won’t.” 

We looked at each other. 

“Please, Freddie. All I ask is....take better care of yourself. These people are not your friends. They’re parasites. There're all kinds of diseases you could contract with the guys you’re sleeping with. We may not be together, but I still care about you. Nothing will ever change that. I need you in my life. I want us to grow old together and write songs until we’re fucking senile and don’t even remember who the hell Queen is”

He laughed. 

“I have to go. It’s late” he said, shaking his head.

I took his arm, gently this time. “I mean it when I say I can’t do this without you.” 

He looked down, biting his lower lip. “I’m finding it hard to do this without you too, you know. It’s been very difficult. Very difficult. I miss you....all the time.”

I watched him walk to the door, then he stopped, turned and came back to me, holding me, then looking at me with those beautiful but sad eyes he quietly said, “I’ll do my best to slow down, ok?. No promises though” 

“Please, just think of what I’ve said if you find you’re going too far. Call me if you need help. I’ll come to you any time of the day or night.”

He smiled and gave me a gentle kiss. And he was gone.


	12. Something Wicked This Way Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good times, bad times.

Freddie went through more boyfriends than I could shake a stick at. I understood he was trying to have fun with his fame and fortune, and he was a free spirit and he was going to live life and live it big. I was no longer free to be his only, and hadn’t been for some time.

But I got the impression that it wasn’t fun for him. He was searching for the attention and love he was lacking from his childhood. A search for love that he found with me, but felt was lost. I don’t think he cared about the sex with of all these people. What he really wanted was love and affection, and he would seek it out, with anyone who would give it to him even if it was momentary.

In his quiet moments, when he thought no one was looking; I could tell that none of what he was doing was fulfilling him. For all the “fun” he claimed to be having. He wasn’t. 

He was depressed. 

Lonely. 

As the 70s turned into the 80s we all went through some changes. Freddie started wearing more outfits popular in the gay nightclubs. He grew a mustache (which I didn’t like as it covered up his beautiful lips). I had cut my hair very short and started wearing suits. The other two were having kids and getting married and the music was changing too. Punk was giving way to New Wave, and our songs reflected that.

Also, something sinister and deadly was making its way around the world. Something that would change us all, forever. 

We made several more albums during this time, The Game and Hot Space. One song I had written for The Game became an enormous hit in America. I was shocked and a bit pleased with myself as well. It started off with different lyrics, but as I watched Freddie live his life in the fast lane from New York to Munich, much to my dismay; I changed the lyrics to reflect what I saw. I had used “guns and bullets” before in “Misfire” as a roundabout way of talking about the male anatomy.

Holed up in Munich during Hot Space, Freddie and I became “close” again. When boyfriends were away, we would play. And it spiraled out of control. We could not leave each other alone. Cocaine, booze, clubs. We did it all. Losing our minds and losing ourselves in each other. We had an extra room in the hotel that we would go to after a night of clubbing. The cocaine made us even more uninhibited which made it difficult to stop, and there were times I ended up with women who I didn’t know in my bed. It was a crazy time. 

I had gotten bored with our regular clubs and decided one night to go with Freddie to one of his. Not knowing exactly what I might find there. I was curious though and figured if I wasn’t happy I would leave. 

Freddie told me there was better music there. Stuff we could dance to. You could hear the music pumping out of the doors of the club when you still were a block away. Unlike the regular dance clubs, this was far more open and sometimes raunchy. I was stunned, but Fred seemed to love it. We danced together, but someone would always cut in and they left me to fend for myself.

What the hell had happened to him? He was such a sweet person. This wasn’t him at all. What had happened to me? Had the fact that we couldn’t be together caused him to spin out of control like this? Had it driven me to drink and drugs? We were both unhappy. Missing each other. The world, as it was back then, would never forgive if they knew about us. 

Sometimes, I didn’t care if they did. 

I didn’t stay too long and left Freddie there with his entourage having what was to him, on the outside; a good time. I sat down and reworked my lyrics. He was tearing my heart out, but I knew I would have to do my best to stand it or leave. There were no other choices.

(“Out of the doorway the bullets rip, rip to the sound of the beat....”)

Our wives and girlfriends came to visit us in Munich, and it was an awkward situation. My wife discovered my infidelities and when I got home, we agreed to separate for a while. She didn’t want me to bring home some disease to her and the kids. I tried to make amends, but she was having none of it. So off I went, just a few miles away to my flat. Alone for a little while, but Freddie would show up now and then. 

“Knock knock!” he would say as he entered. Having his own key.

I was always glad to see him.

“So, what’s happened now?”

“She kicked me out. She found out about that...woman in Munich”

“Oh...well, at least she didn’t find out about me. Imagine THAT situation” he rolled his eyes.

“What are we doing, Fred? What is this THING we are doing?”

“This is us, my love. You’re free to have me as much as you like now”

“Just for sex? What about the rest of it? We were in love... once”

“Aren’t we still?” he asked, running his fingers thru my hair.

“How in the hell do we make this work, Freddie? I can’t see a way.”

"Let's run away together" he said cheerfully.

"I'll lose everything. My family. My house. My money"

“We can live off of MY money. I have plenty”

I sighed. 

“And what of our careers if the press finds out, and they WILL find out. It’s over for all of us, including Brian and Roger. The money stops coming in”

“Is this all about money, dear? Who gives a toss? Love is more important than money”

I needed to think, but Freddie insisted that I thought too much about everything. I needed to listen to my heart, and give my mind a rest.

“Let’s just try it for a while. See if we like it,” he was hopeful.

I wanted to, but I was terrified. All the “What if’s?”

His kisses on my neck made me forget it for the moment. I could not tear myself away from him. I wanted him, needed him. 

And the bedroom was our escape from the world. God, I loved him. Loved his body, which was still in incredible shape.

I started drinking more and more. Sometimes, a hit of coke would do the trick, but I didn’t like how that combination made me feel. I found my mind wandering. Thoughts becoming painful, even dangerous.  
Sometimes, I wanted to curl up and disappear. But more than that, I needed Freddie, and he wasn’t there. 

I thought of Freddie almost every night that I laid in my bed alone or waking up to find a stranger next to me. I missed the days long ago, when it was easy for us to be together. I wanted him back for his companionship and having a trusted friend to tell my troubles to, and of course, the affection we shared.

The beautiful glow that once shone from him like a searchlight was dimming. I would lie there thinking, alone in my bed; well into the night. What was happening to the sweet Freddie that I once knew? 

Touring, as well as recording, was taking a toll on all of us. I had gained yet another child and when I was home, I could not wind down. I loved my kids, but I wasn’t around much of the time, so I almost felt like they didn’t know me, and I didn’t know them. It made home life difficult, and tense arguments arose between myself and my wife. Why couldn’t I be home more? Because I was making a decent living, and I felt an obligation to continue. I didn’t want to let the others down, and to stop now would be foolish.

And of course, that’s where Freddie was.

Fred had a flat in London where he “entertained” other men. Sometimes, I would end up there myself. 

Only a few knew where he was and what he was up to. He made sure that they abided by his rules and how to keep his life private. They didn’t dare go against him. Joe, once Freddie's lover, was now his chef and primarily the man who knew everything about Freddie. Whether Fred told him about us is unclear as I never asked him about it, and Joe never let on that he knew.

But those times we were together were fleeting. He would always run off somewhere, to New York or Munich, and I wouldn’t see him for weeks, sometimes months at a time. 

I realized that without Freddie to tell my problems to, I was becoming more depressed. I was without my companion. Others were sharing his warmth, his smile, his kindness. His light. Yes, that was the kicker. His light was missing from my life. It somehow lit my own, and I was afraid that as his dimmed so would mine. I didn’t want to slip into the darkness of my mind. It lurked there, waiting for me. What was my purpose anyway? To just play bass in some band? 

There had to be more, didn’t there? 

In the early 1980s, every week the news and the papers reported this new disease going around. They didn't know what it was, but it was killing people. Young, once healthy men were withering away by this, thing. Women and children, too. My thoughts turned to Freddie. Had he been careful? I knew the answer to that. The cocaine had given Freddie a high sex drive and a devil-may-care attitude. I was sick to my stomach, thinking he may have been exposed to it. He seemed fine though, so I tried my best not to worry. But still the idea churned in my brain. Had I also been too late in protecting myself? I had started to do just that a few years before when I knew Freddie was out running around in the clubs.

Freddie's boyfriends came and went. Some were not so nice to him. Some abused him, and that made me furious. A bruise on his body. A bite mark. That was something Freddie didn’t deserve. That I could not stop it ripped at my soul. I wanted to confront those who hurt him physically, and when I would mention it to him, he would try to calm me down. He told me he could take care of it. He was, after all, a boxer in school. He could take and give a blow to the body. He didn’t want me to get involved. If the papers caught wind of me socking someone, there would be problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FICTION. FICTION. FICTION


	13. Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to fix things and a fearful confession

Though we were separated for a while, my wife and I decided we’d try to make it work. When Freddie found out, he felt it was a betrayal for the second time. His annoyance at the situation was bubbling up during The Game Tour. And before our appearance in Montreal, he made it clear that I had stuck the knife in a second time.

My life a mess. I was thinking I needed to end this thing with Freddie. That I needed to leave the band and attempt to forget the past. To fix my marriage properly and live life the way any normal person would. Could I even do that after being famous? After loving someone like Freddie as much as I did? Could I just turn it off like a light switch? I didn’t know. But I had to think about it, and soon.

“You’re living a lie, John. You know you are. You've lied to that poor woman. When? When are you going to let be who you really are? You’re making things so difficult for yourself. Don't worry. I’ll protect you.”

This was easier said than done, for me at least. Fred couldn’t expect me to just be open about us as he was still using Mary in front of the press. Still not wanting the world to know about his true lifestyle. It was even more difficult for me. I had in laws, kids, a mother and sister. We had a career to think about, and a hell of a lot of money was on the line. I would lose everything I had worked for. What did he want me to do?

Panic struck me whenever I was confronted with the push to move forward. Naturally nervous, it held me back. Yes. I was concerned about backlash, what people would think. Everything I had worked for was on the line. It would fuel my drinking, my anxiety, my depression about being trapped by two worlds and not being able to escape either. I could not be who I wanted to be, the real me. 

Maybe I needed to escape from everyone for a while.

Coming back for a new album, I was happy to see everyone at first. It had been a while since we had worked together. There were some fun times, but then things began to collapse.

Everything had built up to where I felt I had to run. Run as far away as possible. To get away from the band. My home life. To have some time to think.

I bought a ticket to Bali. Bringing only cash so my wife wouldn’t know. There were arguments in the studio, Brian was getting on my nerves, Freddie....well that situation was still driving me insane and Roger was arguing with everyone. I couldn’t take it. I needed to recharge.

So off I went. To beautiful beaches and seeking some kind of answer, maybe.

Something to save me.

1984 

I let myself go a bit. I let my hair grow out and because it was naturally curly it became a big ball of fluff. Roger happily played with it, Brian told me there was only room in the band for one head of big hair. 

Freddie, a bit shocked, said “Goodness, darling! What the fuck is this?” 

I didn’t care. I was starting not to care about, well, anything. The music, the tours, the money, the fame, Roger, Brian ..... sometimes not even Freddie. My life was falling apart, and I was too. 

The record company sent Roger and I on a promotional tour for our new album The Works. We had a good time, and it was the first time we had really hung out by ourselves in a long time, away from everyone else. He made me laugh, and I needed it. He saw that there was something not quite right about me and tried to pull me out of it. He was a good guy and a good sport, and one of my favorite people to hang around with.

“Er, how are you and Freddie getting along? There seems to be some tension between you two. Can I ask what’s happened?” Roger asked.

I looked away and shrugged. “I don’t know, really”

“No, huh? Right, then. If you want to talk; I’m here, ok?” he patted my knee.

I nodded. “Thanks”

Roger was a good friend. Though he teased me about Freddie, I knew that he had genuine concern when things weren't going well between us. He loved us both.

All the things that were going on were wound up tightly inside me, and it was strangling me. If I didn’t give it an escape route, a vent of some kind, it was going to kill me.

It was the beginning of this spiral I could not seem to pull up from. Isolated and alone, I called Freddie. I needed to talk to him.

We decided that the best thing to do was to have a brief vacation. They called us to L.A to talk about some recording at a studio there, and Freddie took me, as he trusted my decision making and it would give us both a breather and we could spend some time together. As we had done a few times before, we went alone. He did not bring assistants, and Prenter was left back in London, given some additional money from Freddie to take a holiday.

Upon our arrival at the hotel, Freddie plopped down on his bed in our shared room, much like he had the first time we were alone. A lifetime ago, it seemed now. Young, and ready to conquer the world. 

He rubbed his face and looked at me. “OK. So, what’s going on with you, honey? You seem a little strange lately and I’m worried.”

I looked at myself in the mirror. “I look like shit, don’t I?” 

“Mmm hmm” Freddie replied sitting up and reaching for a cigarette.

“You don’t have to agree with me, Fred” 

“Well, there’s no sense in beating around the bush, John. I’m trying to help. And, let’s face it; you do look like shit”

I sat down next to him. We looked at each other. He was still so beautiful. Those sweet brown eyes that had stolen my heart many years ago, poised to steal it again. 

“What’s really the matter, John?”

“How did we get like this, Fred?”

“Things happened and what could we do? He shook his head. “ What could we do?” 

“I wish.....” I said, letting myself fall back on the bed with a heavy sigh, my arms covering my face.

He moved next to me, putting an arm on my chest, resting his head on it.

“What do you wish?” 

I moved my arms so I could see him

“I wish I could start again. Do things differently”

“And what would you do differently?” he asked. 

I looked at him but said nothing. He understood. 

I sat up, propping myself up on my elbow. I tried leaning in for a kiss.

“We shouldn’t” Freddie said

“Why not?” 

His brow furrowed, and he shook his head. “It’s just.....You’ve heard about that horrible thing going around, haven’t you?” 

My heart nearly stopped. “Yes, why” I didn’t want to know, really. 

“Mmm. I just...don’t know..if I....” shrugging his shoulders and covering his teeth with his lip as he usually did  
.  
He looked at me, sadness and fear in his eyes. 

“I’ve been running around with just about anyone all these years. Not caring” he whispered. “There’s a good chance that.....” he looked away; shaking his head.

I wrapped an arm around his back and pulled him close to me. He rested his head on my shoulder. 

“I’m scared, John. For the first time in my life, I’m terrified”

I held him tightly. 

I was scared too, and I told him so. Scared for him. Scared for me because what would I do without him? Would I be able to go on without him by my side? If it were true, this would be another blow to my already messed up mental state. 

“Isn’t there a test?” I asked. “Have you taken one?”

“I don’t want to. I don’t really want to know ....” he trailed off.

“Please don’t tell anyone that it’s on my mind, ok?” he said. 

“I would never do that, Freddie” 

It was true. I promised him years ago, and it was still the truth. His darkest secrets were always safe with me from the prying eyes of the outside world. I would never speak of it to Brian or Roger either.

“C’mon” he said, tapping my chest. 

“ I think we both need some comfort right now. Isn’t that really why we’re here?"

And so we did. Throwing the covers back and pulling each other close. We looked at one another, fingers gently touching a cheek, tracing a scar or a birthmark. I pressed my face against his.

“Do you know how much I love you? You have no idea what you mean to me. 

“I do. And I love you too, honey. You set me free, you know. I wasn’t sure about myself and what I wanted until I met you” 

I couldn’t stop myself, and I kissed him anyway. “John, I don’t think....” 

“Shh love.” I kissed his face gently. “It’s ok” 

What a tangled mess we were. 

While this horrible thing hung over us, we still expressed our love and affection. I could not resist him. Now or ever. For years I would give in to him for anything he wanted, even when I knew I shouldn’t. Clothes above the waist line came off quickly. Rolling over on his stomach; I moved over him, placing kisses up his spine, to his neck and ears, and he sighed. 

“Mmmm.....”

“You’re so beautiful, I never get tired of looking at you” I told him, running my hand across his back, pulling his hip to turn him on his side. I pressed my body against his back, holding him close. Nibbling his ear. 

He laughed. He turned his face to look back at me. 

“Thank you”

He broke from my grasps and rolled over to face me

Kisses moved from my torso up to my neck. My lips. We surrendered to each other, as we always had. 

He leaned over and just looked at me for a moment. 

“You’ve always been good to me, John. Even when I was hurting you. I’m sorry for all of it.” I held him and we fell fast asleep. Contented.

In the morning, curled up in my arms, he smiled, “I remember when your hair was long. You were so cute. I wanted you immediately, only I didn’t tell you”. I smiled back. 

“I could tell. You weren’t that subtle, you know” 

He laughed. “You were so shy and quiet. I thought “My GOD how is this ever going to work? I’ll surely just scare him away. He’ll think I’m a joke”. 

“But you didn’t. I’m still here. I’ll always be here. No matter what”

He considered me for a moment. “I wish things had gone differently for us, John. I wish we had been able to stay together.”

Guilt washed over me. “I feel the same”

He sensed a change in me. As if he could read my mind.

“Don’t let it get in that head of yours that any of what I’ve done in my life is your fault, ok? Those were all my choices, and my mistakes. Not yours. Things didn’t go the way we planned, and maybe we acted on our frustrations, but look at us right now. In each other’s arms, still in love after all these years”

“And all those other men in your life...?”

He put a finger to my lips. “I was never as in love with them like I am with you. They were time killers; time wasters some of them, but there were some that were fun in bed too,” he said with a laugh. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “But they’ve never been able to replace you. We had something special. We still do”

“Freddie, I’m tired. I’m tired of hiding. I know what I want, but it seems I’m trapped. Like I can’t move from this one spot I’m stuck in. From the moment I met you, I knew something had changed in me. Something was out of my control. I knew that I was in love with you and I wanted to be with you. Forever. I also realized that if people knew about us, our careers would be over, and when my girlfriend got pregnant, I just figured that maybe my feelings would change, and things would work themselves out. But it hasn’t turned out that way.”

I sighed

“So what do we do for you, my love? How do we fix this?”

“I don’t know. It’s something I have to fix myself. I just... I just needed to talk to you“ 

Another gentle kiss. I didn’t want to let him go, but we had places to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT A BIOGRAPHY. NOT A MEMOIR. JUST PLAIN OLD FICTION.


	14. Friends Will Be Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming to grips with what will be

“I Want to Break Free” Roger read out loud. “Are you trying to tell us something, Deaky?” he said with an impish grin and a wink. 

“Give me that” Freddie said flatly as he took the lyric sheet from his hand, rolled it up and tapped Roger on the head with it. 

“Leave John alone”

“Alright. I was just playing” Roger said with a pout and a gravelly laugh. Freddie sat and read the lyrics, then looked at me.

I didn’t like explaining lyrics, and Freddie already seemed to know what it was about. He sang it with all the power and conviction I would have, if I could sing it myself.

Things were changing yet again in my life.

My hair was still wild, and I took to dressing in more New Wave styles. I liked it. It was fun and brought out a side of me I liked. I really was trying in every way possible to break free. Later, novelty and Hawaiian shirts appeared in my wardrobe. Freddie would confiscate them occasionally, as he liked them too. I didn’t mind. What was mine was his.

In our own strange way we had always been a couple, even if we were apart, and we would always be.

We had taken a break again between albums in the mid-80s. I tried to get myself together as best I could. Freddie was off making a solo album, so I didn’t see him much, but we talked on the phone sometimes.  


The press was full of coverage of the AIDS epidemic, and it worried me. I was concerned about myself because of Freddie, as he and I had only started being careful later on, and I didn’t know when this disease had taken its hold. I went to the doctor for a blood test. A relief, as I was negative. I held out hope for Freddie. He still seemed healthy, so I thought he would be ok. 

My drinking had not slowed, however, and the stress of worrying about everything from my personal life to Freddies health and my relationship with him, just made it worse. This also was not helping my private life. Sometimes, I would do nothing but sit and think.

Alcohol was my salvation and my nemesis.

Freddie had given up on Winnie and started dating a man named Jim. He brought him around and introduced him to all of us. I liked him. He looked a lot like Freddie with his mustache and dark hair. An unpretentious Irishman, he was quiet and stayed in the background, out of the way. He didn’t seem at all interested in Freddies fame and wasn’t impressed by the hustle and bustle of the studio. He was the first guy that Freddie dated that I actually liked. We got along really well, and Freddie seemed happy with him. He also appeared one day with a ring on his right finger. As with most of his boyfriends, he had worn a ring. Including mine. The first one. 

I asked about it.

“He hates when I don’t wear it, but sometimes, I feel weird about it” he said clearing his throat. He almost seemed uneasy telling me this. 

“Are you happy with him? He seems nice”

“Oh yes. He’s very nice, treats me well. Finally made me, you know...an honest woman,” he laughed “It’s long overdue for me to be an adult” he said playing with the controls of the mixing board. 

“It’s funny, but you seemed to have chosen someone who is quiet, like me,” I smiled.

He smiled. “Well, yes. It’s really the kind of man I prefer. I’ve tried them all, but a stable, quiet man is best.” he said. His head over his shoulder in a flirtatious move. He leaned in with a secretive tone “Besides, they’re usually the most naughty in the bedroom” he winked, I blushed and we laughed. 

I was glad that he finally seemed happy. Even though my life was falling apart. I hid it from him as best I could. No need to drag him into my problems, he had enough on his mind. 

We had gotten word that Bob Geldof wanted us to perform at Live Aid. It took some convincing, but we did it. We went in prepared, sure of our timing. Freddie, even with a throat problem, was on top of his game. An astonishing sight from the stage, as we usually performed at night and didn’t see the crowds. We had to go on as bare as possible due to the number of bands. No lights, no sound check, no costumes. No, nothing. Just us four. It was a glorious feeling. We knew our preparation had helped us nail it, and we were ready to get back to do more music.

We went back into the studio after Live Aid to create "A Kind of Magic"

Fred asked if we could write a few songs together, and I was happy about it as it gave us time to be together. So we went off to Montreux while Roger and Brian went to Munich. He liked a line in "One Year of Love" so much that he wanted to use as the title for another “Pain is So Close to Pleasure”.

“Let the sweetness on love wipe the tears from your face. For better for worse, so let’s make the best of the rest of our years”

We were going to try.

We followed with the song “Friends will be Friends” trying to work out the fact that maybe this is all we would end up being. And maybe we had to finally find a way to be ok with that. 

The success of that album gave us another tour to head out on, but I was getting tired. My head was not in a good place, but I carried on despite it all. So many things on my mind that I was not acting normal, I knew. I hated that I was confused about my life, I was still torn in two directions. It had eaten away at me slowly for many years It was all starting to come to a head. I considered that Freddie might be sick, and that I had wasted precious time, and that time may be running out.

Wandering aimlessly thru Budapest, unshaven, looking a bit unkempt. Brian, Roger and Freddie were probably out having a good time somewhere. I didn’t seem to care about anything anymore. I went back to my hotel room, to my friend, the bottle and the medication. Maybe if I mixed the two, the whole thing would be over and I could stop this suffering. 

But then again....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FICTIONAL STUFF. YOU KNOW THE DRILL, OR SHOULD BY NOW


	15. There's No Time For Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger and fear....

1986 Madrid

In Madrid, Freddie and I got into it. Usually, our fights were tame, but this one got out of control. I looked a mess, I felt a mess. My personal life was at an all-time low. Freddie was with Jim and I didn’t see him much anymore. I took another hit of the alcohol. I was already halfway drunk, and we weren’t even on stage yet. 

“Stop it, goddamn it!” Freddie said, grabbing the glass from my hand. 

“Hey! I’m not one of your fucking “yes men” that you can boss around. Give that back, " I snapped, reaching for it. He heaved it across the room. The smell of Southern Comfort filled the air.

“No. You listen to me. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but you need to straighten up right now. We have a show to do. You’re scaring the shit out of me, John. I don’t need this right now”

His eyes were angry. He didn’t need me to be unprofessional at a gig. 

“You’ve got a lot of nerve, Mr Party Boy. When you were fucking around it was ok, but when I do it, there’s a problem? Fuck you” I yelled at him. I went on a search for the bottle. 

He got to it before I did, holding it away from me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yelled back,“ Where is the John that I know? What the hell did you do with him?

I stepped back and lit a cigarette.

“He’s dead.” I replied flatly, exhaling the smoke upwards. Freddie looked at me with fear in his eyes. And sadness.

“Gone....just..fffffft! Floated away somewhere, I guess. Who in here gives a shit, anyway?” I said, looking around with my arms outstretched. I took another drag.

“I do, dammit. I’ve always cared. I’ve told you if you ever need me, I’m here”

“Well, you weren’t always around, were you? Too busy running off somewhere with your fucking flavor of the week boyfriends. To Munich. To New York. Berlin. You didn’t even return my calls for days on end”

“Oh, fucking stop it, John!” he turned and walked away, tossing the bottle in the garbage

God, he was pissing me off. 

“You didn’t give a shit about me or how I was feeling about anything.”

He spun around at that

“You KNOW that’s a fucking lie!” he said, approaching me a steady clip “Don’t you EVER say I didn’t give a shit. “

I stumbled backwards at his approach, but continued

“I’m the one who’s been in pieces over here. NOT YOU” I yelled

“Well, you wouldn’t be if you weren’t so confused”

“Confused?” I said with a tilt of my head.

“Yes. All this time you’ve been back and forth. Hm. Let me just spend a decade deciding whether I should stay with my poor wife who has no idea about my secret life, or should I run off with the fucking man I’ve been in love with for the past 13 years.”

“CONFUSED....John. That’s you”

He was right, but I couldn’t let him know that. 

“Fuck off, Fred” I said walking away, but I turned back to face him

“You know, I could have been a normal person. A normal man with normal job, married a nice girl, and lived happily ever after”

“Yes. You could have lived happily ever after. With me. But you fucking couldn’t accept that part of yourself!” he stood his ground.

“And what about you? Huh? Still using Mary as a cover for the press, while you fucked every guy your pathetic gofers brought you! Don’t you talk to me about accepting myself” I was furious.

“I wouldn’t have fucked every guy around, if you had stuck around. But you were too afraid. Afraid you were like me, so you HAD to test the waters, didn’t you? And look what happened on the fucking first try!”

“I fucking told you once before.. you leave her out of this!” my finger was now in his face

He smacked it away

“You goddamned well know that’s the truth, John!”

“SHUT UP, Freddie!” I screamed

Roger opened the door “Hey, guys....?”

“Fucking GET OUT, ROG!” Freddie yelled, and Roger slammed the door shut

I lost my temper. I had had enough of the frustration. Enough of the hiding. I began to tear up everything in sight. Make up cases, trunks of clothes, food on the table became projectiles. Ratty opened the door a crack and was met with a plastic crate slamming into the wall beside him. “Oh shit. Sorry.”

I banged my hands on the walls. I wanted to cry. 

I had just wanted to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted.

Sometimes I regretted coming to that audition. 

“I wish I had never met you, Fred” I said under my breath

I didn’t mean it, but I was mad.

“You just HAD to draw me into your life. I should have stayed away from you and your bullshit, so I could have just been NORMAL. But you had to come along, and I fell for you and your lies. FUCK!”

I sat down on a chair, my head in my hands. Sometimes, I just wanted it all to end. 

Freddie’s demeanor softened. He didn’t take what I said to heart. He knew me better than that.

He spoke quietly

“I never lied to you, John. You know very well that I was in love with you. I would have died for you. And you were in love with me. I didn’t seduce you or coerce you. We both wanted what happened between us to happen, and we did nothing wrong. All this time, I have tried to remind you I still feel the same way about you. That if you ever got the notion to come back to me, I would drop anyone I was with to spend the rest of my life with you. But you never did.” 

“What was I supposed to do, Fred? Just leave my wife and kids?” 

“I didn’t say that. But you’ve been separated for years and yet, you’ve never come for me.” he said sadly. “And I don’t know why, darling”

“You’re more like me than you want to admit. You’ve never been able to come to terms with that side of yourself. We can’t change who we are, John. I don’t know why it happens, it just the way it is. Maybe you just need to accept it, tell your wife the truth and move on. You’ll feel that freedom you have been wishing for”

I lifted my head. “And do what exactly after that? I lose my house, my kids. My money. Do I run off to some club in Munich, like you, and find myself a boyfriend? I’m in love with YOU. And now, you and Jim are a couple. Isn’t THAT fucking something? What a twist to the fucked up story of me and you, huh? I can come out and then have nowhere to go.”

“Tell me, since you love me so much, if I got a divorce, would you drop Jim for me?” 

Freddie, looking defeated; said nothing

“Oh my fucking God.” I got up and paced the floor, running my fingers up into my fluffy hair “I knew it. Just keeping me around...”

“John, that’s not....”

“No! I’m sick of this. All of it. Including you. In my life one minute and then gone the next. I want out of this...this, whatever the hell this is between you and me. It’s driving me crazy. I hated watching you parade your latest conquests around me, trying to make me jealous. I hated sneaking around, trying not to get caught. I hate touring and recording and all of it. I was supposed to have a nice quiet normal life. And then I had to go and audition for you lot. “

“Ten minutes, ladies!” Ratty shouted thru the door. Almost time to go on. 

“Well, you may get your chance. I’m not always going to be around to do this. This may be the last time” Fred said. He stared past me.

I froze. The heat of my anger cooling, making my blood turn to ice.

He realized what he had said and tried to backtrack

“I’m... getting too old for this. Running around on stage, looking ridiculous. I’m getting tired, I don’t have the energy anymore. Anyway....You need some help, darling. Please get it” 

I looked at him. A sinking feeling came over me. He had said things like this before, but somehow this was different. Was he not telling me something? Did he know his health status for sure now?

“Why Fred? Why would this be your last tour?” I quietly asked.

He hesitated.

“I said... ‘Why’... Freddie?” I held my breath 

I walked up to stand close to him. He looked around and said quietly, “I may be sick, John. I may have contracted this...thing that’s going around. I don’t feel well. I haven’t for a few years now. There’s just something....different about me. Please don’t say anything to anyone. You’re the only one I’ve mentioned it to. I haven’t even told Jim” Concern showed in his sweet brown eyes. 

And fear

My mind raced. Now I was starting to understand why he would not leave Jim for me if I wanted to come back to him. He wanted a steady relationship before he left this world. He didn’t want me to get sick. Things were coming to a close, and the time set aside for us was over. I was too late.

Onstage, I was lost in thought. My fingers picked out the rhythm on my bass only by muscle memory. I wasn’t even paying attention, running mostly on autopilot. The answer I got from Fred had upset me. I could feel myself headed for a tailspin. I was trying to block the anger, the sorrow, the panic in me. I downed a few more drinks off my amplifier. My roadies kept them coming. 

Freddie kept an eye on me during the remaining shows. Watching a video of it later, I realize how panicked he looked. He was on high alert. He didn’t know what was happening to me, but he knew why. He carried on with the show while watching the ticking time bomb that was his bass player. My head drooping, my eyes closed. I was trying to close out the world, and the fact that I was probably going to lose him. 

We finished that tour with Wembley and Knebworth. I was broken. Another toss of my bass. I hated that thing. Hated the crowds, the roadies, the hanger ons. The music. I wanted it done. All of it. I wanted to get away from everything. The business, the music, the people, Freddie and my family. I wanted, no; I needed some space and some time to think. 

At the end of the set, I took off my bass and flung it away with all my might, trying to release the feelings that I had held inside for two hours. What was the purpose of that damn bass, anyway? What had all this been about? It seemed like it didn’t even matter anymore. The love of my life was dying.

Running off the stage. When I realized what I had done and I had to go back on, I snapped back to reality. My roadie told me the bass was fine, and not to worry. This had to be a nightmare. How did things end up like this? 

What had we done? 


	16. The Hourglass Begins to Run Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie tells the band of his sickness

We were such normal young men when we started. And now, all of our lives were a mess in some way.

Freddie was concerned with my behavior, but he knew there wasn’t much he could do. He was settling down with Jim, and as a balance, mine was like his previous lifestyle. An utter fucking mess. 

We took a much needed break then. My wife and I were still separated. I was living not far from the house, and I saw the kids all the time. I tried to be a normal dad, but I didn’t know what that was supposed to be. I had been in a different lifestyle for so long, that memories of how my dad was with me had faded. The alcohol didn’t help. I needed this break, though. To collect my thoughts and straighten myself out. 

If I didn’t sober up on my own, the coming storm would do it for me.

I had never been able to run off with Freddie. It would have been a huge problem at this point. We decided, mutually, that we would just be friends from now on. It was the only way. We would still love and confide in each other. It took the pressure off of both of us and I was able to work on my marriage and myself. 

Freddie had Jim now and was settling down into domestication. I was happy for him and at the same time, very sad. I wondered what it would have been like to have lived together. Would we have made it this far? Would we have broken it off and let animosity divide us? Never able to work together again? Or would we have been happy? We would never know, and maybe; it was better left to beautiful dreams that we once shared.

Freddie had officially been diagnosed with HIV in April 1987. I didn’t see him much during that year, but I saw him when I played bass on one of his songs he was recording with Monserrat, and phone calls were semi regular, and sometimes I just liked to hear his voice. Still sweet, with a tinkling tone. Our feelings for each other still ran deep.

I was sitting at home when breaking news came on. Paul, Freddies assistant had sold a story to the Sun newspaper for money, about Freddie and his lifestyle, claiming two of Freddies lovers had died of AIDS. I was at once in a panic. My fury at Prenter would come later, after the shock died down. I tried calling Freddie, but the line was always busy. 

When I did get in touch with Freddie, he was very upset. This could destroy the band and destroy him as an artist. He fired Prenter, but I wished he had done it sooner. One thing I would never do is betray him like that. No matter how mad I was at him, I could never bring myself to do what Paul had done. Paul was mad that he wasn’t needed as much anymore as Fred had Jim and was settling down to a more quiet life. Prenter was used to money coming in, and now it was trickling. He made a beeline for the papers.

As I vacationed in Ibiza, I came across a party in that turned out to be Freddies. I was happy to see him. He was clean shaven, so his beautiful face was back on display, but it seemed to have a bit of puffiness to it. I noticed while we were at the pool, that on his leg was a large brown spot. While talking to Jim, I asked what it was. Jim suggested Fred was allergic to the sun, but I knew better. 

I felt that being away from the band; I was able to get my act together. My drinking had slowed and I no longer had access to the harder drugs that popped up on the road, so I felt better. I started to actually miss the guys and the music, and I was bored staying home doing just about nothing. I kept in touch with them and called Freddie to congratulate him on the Barcelona album. I really liked it and thought he sounded great. Still an amazing showman and singer. 

I got a call from Roger asking if I was ready to do another album. I was, as I was bored out of my mind. We got together and began work on “The Miracle” in January 1988. It was the first time I had seen Freddie in a while. He was still without a mustache, and I thought he looked handsome. Very regal and calm. We hugged tightly, and he looked at me, taking my face in his warm hands. 

“How are you, darling? You look wonderful! Feeling better after that long rest?” 

“Yes. I feel much better. I think I have a handle on myself, actually”

“Thank God! I’m so glad. You had me very worried there for a while” he held my chin in his fingers. “Then he leaned in and whispered in my ear, “I love you, darling” 

He was still such a flirt

“I love you too” I whispered back 

We smiled at each other. I loved him that was very true, nothing would ever change that. 

“How are you? You look good" I asked him.

Fred shrugged, “Oh, I’m tired a lot.” he said, scrunching his nose. I noticed something about him. A change. Something...sad. I rubbed his arm and gave him an understanding look. I think I already knew what was wrong. He looked at me sadly.

I didn’t want to bring it up, so I let it go and we got on with making some more music. It took us a year to do this album. It wasn’t like we were doing much else. We weren’t going to tour, so there was no rush. Freddie was still with us and looking healthy, so I pushed the fact that he could be sick to the back of my mind. I was happy to be around him again. But towards the end of the year, something horrible was happening.

As 1989 progressed, Freddie looked more frail. We began to worry. 

While I had gotten better, my hair was turning gray and beginning to thin out. I wasn’t even 40 yet, and I felt the stress of everything had not helped. Now, my best friend, a man whom I loved dearly, was ill. 

It wasn’t long after that Freddie invited us to dinner. 

We all sat around and talked about trivial stuff. Laughing and joking, but I found it odd. We had never had a quiet dinner together, just the four of us. I had never come to Garden Lodge. Freddie and I kept our separate lives, separate.

Dinner finished, a change came over the room. Freddie explained the situation. 

When we heard it from him, our fears had been confirmed. My heart sank in my chest. I looked down, staring blankly at the table, trying to take in what had just been said. Freddie noticed, placing a hand on my arm

“Honey? Are you ok?”

I nodded, but was certain it was unconvincing.

Freddie gave us all a one-on-one talk. 

Fred took my face in his hands. 

“You have to be strong for me, John. I need you to do that, ok? You’ve always been my rock, even if I acted like I could handle things, I always needed your quiet strength. I knew it was there and I could come home to it if I had to. I know this is going to be hard, but you can do it. You can.”

He kissed my forehead, and I closed my eyes. I wished that when I opened them, we would be young again. Happy, healthy and free. Like we were. 

Once. 

I nodded, but said nothing. We hugged tightly, but I didn’t want to let him go. 

I would never let him go. 

We left without saying a word to anyone. Too shocked to even notice Joe or Phoebe.

We were told not to mention it to anyone, and I didn’t tell a soul. Since I had my own place, I went there after throwing myself down on the bed. Shattered. 

My life had turned once again. My dad’s death had left me a broken little boy, sad and lonely for the companionship I had with him. Doing things together that we both enjoyed. I loved him so much.

Freddie had repaired that young man. No longer alone, a fun and charming companion by my side; someone I could trust. Someone to talk to, who understood me. Someone who loved me with his whole big heart.

Now, he was dying too. And unlike my father, who’s death was quick, I would have to watch my companion, my confidant, friend and lover, fade away. I could almost feel the darkness creeping back into my life. I was getting a little better, but now it may just reach up and grab me and pull me down into its depths, forever. What was I going to do without him by my side?

Freddie wanted to keep working. He said it kept his mind off of things. So we went to Montreux and closed ourselves off from everyone. Brian, Roger and I had formed a wall around Freddie. We would protect him as if our lives also depended on it, and I tried to draw some strength from that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FICTION. BY LITTLE OL ME


	17. Montreux 1991

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending some time together

Montreux 1991

Freddie was becoming weaker and was appearing thinner. Jim was there too, but didn’t hang around the studio too much. One day when we had free time; I went to see him at his apt overlooking the lake. Jim went out to give us some time alone. I promised I would look after Freddie in his absence.

He welcomed me warmly, as always. I didn’t ask how he was; I felt it was a stupid question.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you, if that’s ok?” 

He patted my leg. “I love having you around; you know that. You can see me anytime you want, unless it’s my bath time. I don’t think Jim would like that very much” he smiled mischievously, a wicked twinkle in his eye.

“I don’t know why. I know what you look like without your clothes on. A lot of people do actually.....” I joked. Trying to keep things lighthearted.

He gave a surprised look and shoved my arm “Ugh! You make me sound like a slutty little tart! Which I totally fucking was, of course.”

I laughed. 

“If I remember correctly; you were slutty yourself, for such a shy man”

I rubbed my throat and smiled. “I guess I was, wasn’t I? “I looked down at the floor. “But only with you”

“It damn well better have been only with me,” he said and we laughed.

“It was” I nodded. Still looking down.

We settled in to a quiet moment. He turned serious.

“How are you feeling, honey?” 

I stared into space for a moment. “I’m scared”

“Yes. Me too.” he sighed. Looking down at the couch.

I lifted his chin up to look at me. I wanted to study his face up close once more. “You still have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen” I said softly.

“Are you flirting with me, darling? We’re married men, y’know. What WOULD our wives think?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. One thing he hadn’t lost was his sense of humor. 

“It’s true. You know you do” I took his hand. It felt smaller than I remembered. 

He took the compliment shyly, then he became serious again.

“I want you to know something, John. That no matter what, I love you and I will always love you. I will carry that love with me right here” he said, placing my hand on his heart; holding it there- “into eternity if there is such a thing. And if there is such a thing as an afterlife, you will never, ever be alone. I will be right there whenever you need me. Just call. I’ll listen for your voice” he smiled sadly and traced my jawline. 

A tear escaped my eye. He wiped it away. 

“Don’t worry, my love. It’ll be alright”

“No” I said, choking up. “It won’t”

“I dont’ know if I can stand it” I stumbled. “If you go....I’ll want to go too. I don’t want to live without you”

He was firm.

“No. You listen to me. You have children and they need you. Remember how you and I didn’t have our fathers in our lives when we were young? Something in us was missing because of that. Don’t let that happen to your kids. When it truly is your time, John-which I hope is many years away; I’ll come for you. I won’t even wait on the other side, I’ll goddamn’d push my way to the fucking front to make sure you aren’t scared. I’ll be there, holding out my hand. I promise”

Fred, still always knowing how to handle my emotional turmoil as he did in the very beginning, lying down on the couch; he pulled me close and held me there. It felt so nice to be wrapped in his arms again. It reminded me of those days, so long ago now. Those arms offered safety, security and in them, I always felt loved.

He hummed a bit, and it turned into a familiar tune....

“Laughter is ringing in the darkness, people drinking for days gone by....” he sang softly, continuing on “Time don’t mean a thing, when you’re by my side. Please stay awhile”. His voice, beautiful and clear as if he had been restored to health. I closed my eyes and let him sing this song I had written about us, what seemed like centuries ago. When he was done, he moved away slightly to look me in the eyes, and smiled sweetly. 

“Written by the young man who stole my heart” he said, running his fingers thru my now greying hair.

“Thank you” was all I could say. My tears flowed freely, and he didn’t stop them this time. He let himself cry along with me.

We stayed like that, in each other’s arms, for a little while until I regained my composure. Jim finally returned and Fred asked him to give us just a minute more. He went into the bedroom and left us to it.

“You’re a lucky man, John. You have a family, something I wish I had. Take good care of them, and let them take care good care of you, hmm? They love you so much; just like I do. Promise me that, ok?”

I nodded. “I promise”

I wiped a sniffle away

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” I asked 

He nodded. I kissed his cheek. “I love you, Freddie” I whispered in his ear

“I love you too, darling. Always” he whispered back, his breath gentle on my cheek.

Our hands slowly let go of each other.

Time was running out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU CAN BE SAD, BUT IT'S FICTIONAL


	18. So Hard to Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie is gone...

November 11, 1991

I arrived at Garden Lodge to a large group of reporters. Bastards. Why couldn’t they leave him alone? I never really liked the press, but now I absolutely loathed them. 

Joe let me in, and I gathered my composure. The walk up the stairs to Freddie’s bedroom seemed so long. I was faltering, but Phoebe met me halfway and gave me encouragement; walking the rest of the way with me.

Once I reached Freddie’s room, I peeked thru the door. He was asleep-thank God. If he was awake, he might see my face, and I didn’t want to upset him. 

Phoebe encouraged me to go in. I quietly made my way to his bedside. He looked so small, so helpless. His once full, gorgeous face was now sunken. Those arms that used to hold me so long ago were now nothing but bones. The disease had taken it's toll on him in the most cruel way. A wave of anguish was coming over me even as I tried to hold it in. 

His eyes opened. 

Oh no. 

One thing had not changed: his eyes were still beautiful; big and brown. Sad and sweet, as they had always been. The mischief in them was gone, but the gentleness remained. 

I sank to my knees beside his bed, taking his now fragile hand in mine. 

“Oh, Fred....”

“Hello my love. You’ve come to see me.” 

“Yes” I fought back my tears, but they were welling up in my eyes. I fought with everything I had, but they fell anyway.

“Don’t cry, darling” his voice a ragged whisper

“I can’t help it”

“I’m so happy to see you” he smiled weakly

I kissed his hand. I could have prevented this, I thought. If I had only....

I rested my head on our clasped hands for a moment. My tears fell to the floor. 

“Come sit up here where I can see you better, honey. My eyesight is going and I can’t see you with the light from the window behind you”

I wiped my face. 

I got up and sat next to him, balancing myself on my elbow, leaning over so I could look into his eyes. Stroking his hair, now thinning and wispy. The whites of his eyes were bloodshot. His face marked with Kaposi Sarcoma.

The disease was ravaging him. His once robust body was a shadow of what it once was. 

Oh God, why?.

“My beautiful Freddie. I love you so much.” I whispered, not wanting the staff to hear me.

“I know you do. And I love you, my sweet, sweet Deaky. I always have, and I always will” he said. Shakily, his other hand reached up to touch my face, and I leaned into it.

How I wanted to curl up next to him and hold him in my arms; to be as we once were. He was too frail for that now. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. 

His eyes twinkled slightly, and he smiled at me. One last time. 

I pleaded with forces in the Universe to help him. To stop him from dying. He was only forty-five, far too young and too talented to leave this world. Besides, I needed him; I would not last without him. I couldn’t lose him, I wasn’t ready; HE wasn’t ready. We were going to grow old together. That was our plan 

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

He was going to leave soon, and a piece of me would leave with him. A void would be left in its place, and I would never be the same again.

November 23, 1991

Brian called me and told me to turn on the news. Freddie had released a statement, admitting his condition and asking people to help find a cure for it. I couldn’t believe it, he was telling those fucking bastards hanging out in front of his home to go to hell by breaking the news story himself. I was both shocked and happy that he had done such a thing. 

It was kind of a “Freddie” thing to do. 

Twenty-four hours later; a black hole had opened up in the world, devouring my sunshine. The light that guided and warmed me for 20 years was extinguished. 

Freddie was dead. 

The phone rang. I picked it up, and it was Roger, calling to tell me that Freddie had passed away only a short time ago. My beloved was no more, silenced forever. My throat tightened, threatening to strangle me, and I slid down to the floor in a heap. I sat in shocked silence. 

“I’m coming to get you. I’ll be there in about 10 minutes”

“Okay” was all I could manage to say.

I was numb, trying to absorb the news; and I wanted the Earth to open up and swallow me. There was no point in anything anymore. The world would soon know, and within the next few hours, news had spread around the world. 

“Freddie’s Dead”

Brian, Roger, and I stood around in Brian’s living room. Our shock manifested in reminiscing about our times with Freddie and having a good laugh at the funny and outrageous things he did or said. The good times. “Remember when he.....?” and we’d fill in the rest.

At some point we turned on the television and at once the report broke: “Freddie Mercury has died of AIDS”. 

It hit all three of us fast and hard, like a sucker punch to the head. Everything we had held in these last few years, to protect Freddie; all our anguish, our helplessness at watching our friend fade, came flooding out. The quiet bassist, the happy-go-lucky drummer, the guitar god-turned into trembling, heartbroken heaps of uncontrollable sobbing.

He had left us, and we could never have him back.

We would never hear his laughter, see his brown eyes twinkle or hear that majestic voice ever again. He would never step in to stop an argument, or help me write a song. I would never be wrapped in his arms again, feeling safe and secure.


	19. Goodbye, Sweet Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddies Funeral. A short chapter

November 27, 1991

I dreaded this day, hoping it would never come. Hoping that it was all just a horrible dream I would wake up from. Today, I would say my last goodbye to someone who held my heart in his hand. No one would ever take his place. I dressed somberly and waited for a limo to pick us up. 

The streets nearest the crematorium were lined with people. Freddies hearse led the way, and the massive amount of flowers were transported in several vehicles. I didn’t like that this felt so, public. But Freddie was a public figure, and this is what fame brings with it. 

People always watching you. 

At a time like this, I wanted it to be private, but it was not my call. I did smile once, looking out the window, thinking how much he loved attention. Even now, in this manner; he would be pleased to know the eyes of the world were upon him.

I met Brian and Roger inside. We all looked dazed; still in shock.

My heart was beating out of my chest as his casket was brought in. He was in that box, that awful box. I had to look away. My gaze falling to the floor, and I felt Roger’s hand on my shoulder.

He was so full of life, strong, passionate; he couldn’t possibly be in there. 

He would be cremated. The whereabouts of his remains would never be revealed. 

Even to us. 

There would be no grave.

No headstone to cry at or talk to. 

Nothing. 

It was like he had just vanished.

Brian, Roger and I went off by ourselves after the service instead of going to Garden Lodge. We wanted to deal with things in private. I didn't want to be at Garden Lodge, anyway. The reason for ever going there was gone.


	20. The Show Must Go On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tribute Concert and aftermath

April 1992

The hour was upon us. We had pulled together a tribute concert for Freddie, and the proceeds would go to a new charity that had been created in his honor. I didn’t mind the charity part, but I had to be coaxed to join in this celebration of Freddie and our music. I didn't want to be up there without him; it wouldn’t be the same. It was too short of a period of mourning for me, but Roger and Brian did eventually get me to come around. 

I felt sick.

We rehearsed with all the bands who would be performing our songs. I was not terribly interested in them; I was cordial but kept to myself most of the time. Having to go out and speak in front of this enormous crowd terrified me, though. I wondered how Freddie did it. He loved it, basked in it. I shut off my emotions, focusing on what I had to say, and got thru it without crying. 

The rest of the show, I just went through robotically. I didn’t care; I just wanted it to end as soon as possible. Sometimes the singer would step over to me, but I would move away. They weren’t Freddie. I just wanted to be left alone. 

The show couldn’t end fast enough for me. Now, as we got closer to the moment where this would never happen again, (as I had wanted it to, so many times before) I got emotional. Mostly thru it all, I had been cold and unfeeling, just doing my job and being professional, but now, my heart was starting to break. It felt like a noose was around my neck, slowly tightening to strangle me, as I tried to hold it all in. What was I going to do in front of all these people if I felt I could not hold back the tears?

As the last bars of the last song came to an end, I was watching Roger for the cues. Unknown to me; Roger had been watching me throughout the show. And now that it was done, overwhelming feelings were surfacing. Somehow, I knew I would never again hear the roar of the crowd, or look out over a sea of people cheering and singing along. Feelings of loss, triumph, old times, great joy, great sadness. Flashbacks of the stages we played on, the traveling, the fun, the tears, the arguments. 

Freddie. Where are you? I miss you so much. I need you here with me to help me make it thru this. Please, PLEASE step out from the wings. 

Don’t be gone.

As the group of performers gathered around the stage, I took off my bass for the last time at a show this size. Roger, Brian and I made our way to the front. Brian, looking sad; did his best to chat with the others. They were all laughing with each other, but they didn’t understand how hard it was for us to be up there. Roger stepped up that night, and he stayed strong, holding it together for the three of us. He was our rock.

My heart ached. I was grief stricken, and in front of this crowd, in front of the entire world. I tried to calm down. Instinctively, my hand went to my chest to rub the area around my heart, attempting to soothe my broken heart. I took several bows, knowing somehow they would be my last, thanking the fans for everything. I had shared what talents I had with them over the years, and they had given back so much in return. 

I was crumbling, and Roger knew it. He kept glancing over at me, even while being congratulated by the stars on the stage. They were all so self congratulatory; hugging and kissing each other, like they were loving the attention it was giving them. They hugged and kissed Roger and Brian. No one, though, came to comfort me. John Deacon, just the quiet bass player that no one ever noticed. It was like I was a nobody, really. If they had only known what I meant to the man they were celebrating tonight.

I had no time to be mad about it though. If anyone had hugged me, the torrent of tears I was holding back may have started to flow. I kept a tight smile, but inside I was shattered. And now, I was quickly beginning to come unglued. Roger came over and I said "Can I go?" He leaned close to me and said “Yeah, go”. That was all I needed to leave the stage; for someone to notice my anguish and give me permission to leave it all behind. To save myself. 

I made a quick exit.

On the way off the stage, a roadie threw me a towel and I placed it over my mouth. The tears and the agony I had been holding in for the past 3 hours were finally being allowed to be released. I made my way back to my trailer. I could feel my face pulling into a tight grimace and once I was safely inside, my legs, no longer able to support me; gave way and I crumbled to the floor, sobbing. The pain of losing Freddie, of having to be onstage without him, and without him here next to me in what seemed to be my darkest hour, was too much to bear. I heard nothing but my own wailing. Felt nothing but my own despair. I didn’t notice someone entering my trailer. 

I suddenly felt someone’s arms around me, pulling me up into a sitting position, and hands holding my shoulders, touching my face. I looked through my tears to see Roger on the floor with me. “John! John!” I could barely hear him shout. He looked panicked, and once I focused on him and started to breathe, he too started to cry. “I know. I know. It’s ok, Deaky. It’s ok. I’m here” he said trying to calm me. I leaned into him, crying on his shoulder. It felt so good to have someone holding me. My family was out front and had not made it backstage yet.

I heard a familiar voice outside the door “Don’t let anyone in” Brian said to someone. He had a pained look on his face as he joined Roger and I on the floor; throwing his long arms around the both of us, he too was in tears. We were wrapped in an embrace, trying to comfort each other from our heartbreaking loss. We were...brothers, in a way. We had been together so long that we had known each other longer than we had known our wives, our children, roadies, managers. We had been through good times and bad times, right from that fateful day in 1971 when we played together for the first time in that old lecture hall. We fought like cats and dogs, we made each other laugh, traveled the world and made music together. 

And now, our 20 year journey had come to an end.

Losing our front man, the one who kept this whole thing together, was difficult, but the worst part was that we had lost our most beloved friend. Someone we loved more than we could ever have imagined. A piece of the puzzle was missing, and now we were adrift. We had kept our minds off the fact that he was really gone by jumping into this concert; and now it was over and we were back to reality. Freddie was gone forever and we would have to live with that for however long it took until we too, were gone from this world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FICTIONAL ACCOUNT OF THE TRIBUTE CONCERT.


	21. Regrets, I've Had A Few

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John looks back

In the 40 short years of my life, thirty of them were filled with emotional upheavals. The silent bass player of Queen, showing little emotion onstage, just playing his bass. Perhaps to many, I seemed aloof or came across as rude, but inside I was a sensitive soul. Love and loss were my constant companions in those 40 years. 

They say I never really recovered from Freddie's death, and that is true. That part of me that was his, and only his went with him when he died, I would never get it back, and I would never be “complete” again as a section had been shorn away. That emotional space was devoid of anything. It was dead, and like Freddie, it was a section that was irreplaceable. 

After Freddie's passing, I became withdrawn. There were dark times. Times I needed help, and I was lucky enough to get it. The darkness had crept into my mind, intent on destroying me completely. 

Sometimes, I wanted it to. 

I stopped being involved with Queen in 1997. For me, there was no point of going on without Freddie. We were the music, but he was the show. It would never be the same for me. I kept an eye on the finances, making sure we would not be ripped off at any level. We had worked so hard for everything we had, and we wanted to keep it that way. It would ensure our families would be taken care of for years to come.

My kids had grown up, left the house, started their own lives. College. Marriage. Careers of their own. I was a proud father. They all turned out great. Only a few had met “Uncle Freddie” My boys would go to him freely when they saw him, climbing up in his lap, just to be near him and his brilliant light. I knew the feeling. My girl was a bit more shy, but she would come around once she saw her brothers having fun with him. Fred loved kids, he was a kid himself, really. He was warm and friendly to them, and he let them climb all over him, asking questions, showing him a favorite toy, having him tie a shoelace and kissing “Uncle Freddie” goodbye when it was time to go. 

As usual, he loved the attention. 

Because I had receded into the background for so long, it became more difficult to step back out into the limelight. It made it almost impossible to come out of my shell. Long bouts of being secluded had made me feel that any social skills I had had failed, and I didn't know how to relate anymore to others outside my family. 

The drink and drugs I indulged in during my rock and roll life may have eased my troubles in the short term, it came to a point where I had to get help. I had to let Queen go. No hanging out with Rog and Bri, no concerts, no movies and no stage show involvement. It had to be cut out completely if I was to get better.

Anyway, if I had agreed to be a part of it, the media would be all over me. I hadn’t spoken at all about Freddie since his passing. I knew they would question me incessantly, and it’s not something I wanted. To be asked questions about Freddie, I just couldn’t. I would never be prepared for that kind of onslaught.

Would I have been happier just being a regular person? Perhaps. Perhaps the emotional ups and down would have been fewer. I would have had normal friends, done normal people's things. Content with my family, retiring without the world caring. Dying quietly in my bed with only a small obituary in the paper, and a resting spot that would never draw attention to itself.

But then, I never would have the incredible life I had lived. 

I wouldn’t have traveled the world and saw the things I did. I never would have watched an idea for a song spring to life from the page I had written it on and have an audience of thousands sing it back to me. I never would have heard the roar of the crowd, gone to crazy parties, met any famous people, or become a millionaire. 

And I never would have met Freddie. 

I would have missed the experience of him, the lust he had for everything that life had to offer. Good or bad. I would have never known the care and attention and love he showered on me. Those quiet times together when it was just us. Emotions that ran from romantic love and fiery passion, to sickening jealousy and white hot anger. None of that would have been mine to have. 

I have regrets. 

I regret letting the drink and drugs get the best of me. Using it to escape the stress and anxiety of trying to keep secrets. Of not having some control over my life. Of losing Freddie to others and to a horrible disease. 

I regret not being able to save Freddie. Sometimes guilt has crept in, and it has given me a heavy heart. What if’s. What if we had stayed together? Would it have kept him from running around? Could I have stopped it? I regret not giving it a chance and stalling so long that it was too late for us. 

My confusion and hesitation spared me from this awful disease, my worry about things like that spurring me to protect myself before it reared its ugly head, cutting down people in the prime of their lives. Why him and not me? Was there any way I could have stopped him? Things I will never know. Things I cannot change.

For the most part, I never believed in life after death. When Freddie died though, I had dreams of him. He never spoke, but he would look at me and smile. He looked content, and astonishingly beautiful. I felt that he was looking out for me.

Not to worry, darling. Everything is going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FICTION. ALL IN MY ACTIVE IMAGINATION....


	22. Happy 75th Birthday, Freddie!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John contemplates a butterfly on Freddies 75th birthday

September 5, 2021

Freddie would have been 75 today. I had been without him for nearly 30 years, but he was in my thoughts, still. Especially on an anniversary like this. 

It was a warm sunny day, probably one of the last of the fading summer; so I went outside to read the paper. Moments later, a butterfly appeared, stopping to rest on my hand. It was a lovely yellow color, Freddie's favorite. I brought it closer so I could see it better, and it turned to face me, unafraid.

I contemplated it for a moment. The coloring, the fact that it landed on me and that it was a very special day.

“Is that you, Fred? It is your birthday today after all,” I asked it as it sat there, slowly moving its wings. It didn’t answer, of course.

“It wouldn’t surprise me if it was” I continued. “My angel disguised as a butterfly. Only you would be so clever. You look wonderful, as usual” It stayed on my hand for several minutes

Finally, it took flight, and I watched it make its way from the purple flowers on the trellis to the pink flowers on the ground, never stopping to stay long at any particular one. Just like Freddie. 

I looked over my glasses at it

“Typical!” I called out with a laugh. Then a little tinge of sadness came over me, and I sighed. "I still love you, beautiful. Happy birthday" I said quietly

So many years have gone by. I tried to imagine Freddie at 75, but it was difficult, as he was always going to be young in my mind. 

If there is life after death, I hope to see him again. After my mum and dad, I want to see his familiar figure come towards me and embrace me once more. To live with him in the bliss that he desperately wanted his entire life here on Earth would be magical and wonderful . Never to be parted again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY STORY. REMEMBER, NO QUOTING THIS LIKE IT'S REAL, BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY; IT'S NOT. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. It took me months to write this and I did hesitate putting it out there, as there are some people who run with a story and in their mind, they think it's true. I love Freddie and John, and I tried to put myself in John's place to write this. How would I have felt about Freddie in these situations? Then, I just let my fingers start typing. xoxoxo


End file.
